Letters From Leavers

Why did I leave the institutional church?  How much time do you have?

Some factors: a bone-deep sense of weariness.  Frustration.  A yearning for something more substantive, authentic, and relevant.  Burn-out.  Boredom.  Cliques.  Performance-based churchianity.  Lock-step-it-is. “Old boys clubs.”  Rote routines.  Feeling like a round peg being squashed into a pre-fabricated, artificial square hole.  Disrespect.

The main reasons my husband and I left the (institutional) church revolved around the use (misuse?) of money, curious institutional priorities and perspectives, a weariness related to apparently endless gender restrictions and “glass ceilings,” and – for want of a better term – “ingrownitis.”

Money was a big deal in the church we left.  Position, prestige and “power” (in a hierarchical sense) were often linked to money.  Church members who were well-to-do mattered; those who weren’t, didn’t.  All elder board members were known to drop large checks in the offering plate each week, and were hefty contributors to the church building fund.  Material wealth seemed to superseded spiritual and scriptural qualifications elder board membership.

Also, we couldn’t reconcile the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on building programs and salaries when tangible, physical needs of church members and the surrounding community were routinely neglected and ignored.  It seemed like bigger buildings, more gadgets and accessories mattered more than ministry.

Church leadership was an “Old Boys” monopoly.  Every time a new committee, sub-committee was formed, it was immediately stacked with the same people who’d served on every other previous committee.  In some cases, the same people served on numerous committees.  “New faces need not apply.”

My family and I longed for - and repatedly tried to initiate and nurture - meaningful relationships and “community” in this church foralmost ten years.  You know what I mean, something beyond trading “How’s it goings?” in the ten minutes between services.  But we weren’t part of the “Old Boys” club.  And “club members” never let us forget it.

One teaching duo who were long-time “club members” taught the same adult Sunday school class for nearly 30 years.  That kind of faithfulness may be admirable, but when does someone else get a chance?  Every time a new class or Bible study opened up – typically in fall and summer – the pastor always tapped one of his “club members” as teachers or facilitators.  The rest of the congregation was expected to sit back and watch the “real Christians” in action.  Talk about bored.  Just pass out the No-Doze at the door.  Then the pastor and elders wondered why willing, capable, able people left.

Regarding gender restrictions and glass ceilings, I hold a degree in Bible and theology from a leading Christian university and have managerial and executive experience in the professional realm.  However, the minute I walked through the door on Sunday morning, the only service opportunities available to me were manning the kitchen or working with kids.  So I taught Sunday school, children’s church, led Bible studies, small groups, and served as AWANA, VBS and Children’s Ministries directors.  But I had responsibility without authority.  That was a pastor/elder-only domain, and you didn’t question it if you knew what was good for you.  Similarly, strength, fortitude, forthrightness and decisiveness were seen as “good leadership” in men but as “harsh, abrasive” and “unsubmissive” in women.  Ultimately, there was no place for any female with my skills, gifts and training.

These experiences and others contributed to a growing sense of restlessness and disillusionment with the hierarchical, autocratic church structure to which we formerly belonged.  With 20/20 hindsight, we now see that God has been wooing me out of the ic for almost ten years.  we didn’t understand until later that much of this unsettledness was God’s gentle, gracious tug at our hearts, calling us out of something that had become as dry as the Atacama Desert.

We started asking questions.  Lots of them.  Like, “Lord, is this what `church’ is all about?  Isn’t there something better – deeper – richer – fuller – more authentic?  A more vibrant expression of faith and practice?”  That’s when God brought Scriptures, resources, sites, people and circumstances into our lives to disentangle me from a religious web that was as suffocating as carbon dioxide.  We got to the point where we just couldn’t stomach the “Sunday-morning, go-to-meeting, put-my-happy-face-on show” any more (which I hope doesn’t sound too “harsh” or “abrasive.”  If you’ve been there, you know what I mean.)

My husband and I left the ic emotionally/spiritually a couple years ago, and agreed to depart physically about a year ago.  (My apologies for rambling.)  Simple Church – worshipping, fellowshipping, serving, and contributing based on the universal priesthood of all believers – has been refreshing, healing, and invigorating.  Being the church instead of “doing church” has been a cool cup of water in a parched and thirsty land.  A second wind of grace!  PBTG!