Formerly Untitled now, A Very Purple Letter

Hello;

I am going to try to do this, bare with me as I try to remember, I’m not a writer my punctuation and spelling are not the best and this may be disjointed as I try to remember and put things in order.

Unlike a few I have read here I was not born into a Christian home, my parents are culturally Christian, they do Christmas, easter and such. The actual faith though they could have cared less about, they didn’t go to church, not even on holidays, they only went for weddings and funerals. All and all I think my folks would make good brits. :: shrug :::

When I was in grade school about 9 years old, my older brother accepted Jesus. This had a profound effect on me. My brother tends to be um … hmmm… sadistic. Yeah I know you’re thinking normal kid stuff, no not really, not any real sick abuse either, but he was mean beyond just sibling rivalry, and he wasn’t just this way to me. He was this way with a lot of people, although he was also very good looking and charming, so he was very popular. Anywaaaaaaaaaaay, when he became a xian he stopped being a 1st class jerk to me. This was pretty impressive to a 9 year old me. Also he stayed that way, not picking on me so much, this HAD to be a miracle. He invited me to church all the time, sometimes I went.

My parents asked him lots of questions all the time, they did not have a problem with Christianity, or their son not wanting to do drugs or be promisquious, but they were concerned with the seemingly radical beliefs of this fundy church. This was right around the time of the Jim Jones tragedy, and he went to a non-denom fundamentalist church. Eventually they met people in the church, the pastor and felt it was ok, and they let me go too. At 12 I felt this all had to be true, everyone said so, and I didn’t want to go to hell. I went forward at an alter call, and said I wanted to join the church, I was informed you could not join a church until you were baptized, honestly I had no clue, call me stupid, but remember I wasn’t raised in a church. I looked at the poor alter counselor blankly, he explained briefly and asked if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be baptized.

Any of you see A Christmas Story? When the kid sees Santa and chokes? He wants a bb gun, but can’t think, the Santa says football, and he nods “fooooootball”, thinks, “whats a football.” Thats about what I did, “baptized?” thinks “What’s baptized?” he may as well been speaking greek, I nodded yes I wanted to have Jesus in my heart, I wanted baptism, whatever that was. My heart beat in my chest, what if he knows I have no clue? eek! He asked me to pray With him OH NO!, but he wants me to repeat, hey I can do that! It was like taking my brownie pledge.

Okay so I go home, in the car my brother is all happy, I thought mom and dad would be just unconcerned. WRONG! They kinda wigged, “do you really understand this? I think you should wait? Is this really what you want?” On and on, I didn’t get it, what was the big deal? I said the “pledge” and I couldn’t join unless I did, it was like a club to me. Eventually my parents relented, I was to be fully submerged baptized at an evening service with 3 other people 2 adults, and one other teen.

My grandmothers were invited, we went out to dinner after, I kinda remember feeling awkward in my bathing suit at church, even with a white robe on. Then the robe got wet, hey I was 12, but I was one of those girls who’s body was 20, so I was so self conscious until I got to get back in my real clothes.

So I had a new soul, and a new bible. I was a member of the church, that was supposed to be my family. Everything should be great right? That really wasn’t how it worked out. By then my brother was working for Youth For Christ, a Billy Graham ministry. He was the youngest Campus Life Leader in the organizations history, he was a golden boy. At church I generally felt pathetic. I did not fit in with the Jr High Group. Most had been going to the church since birth and I was an outsider. All the younger adults knew me as J****’s sister. Seriously, they didn’t call me by my name. I felt guilty because I was starting to have sexual feelings HELLO I was 12 going on 13, and as I said physically I was 20. I felt so awkward at church, so outside, and I felt guilty for not loving every minute of it.

I knew I was supposed to study the bible, but it was so boring. I felt guilty about that too. I stopped going. Eventually as I hit teen I decided Christianity was stupid, I could spout off typical I hate Chistians doctrine, and impress my friends, but it wasn’t anything I knew really. I was typical, sort of. I had a boyfriend, but I was in love with my best friend, my feelings for her confused the hell out of me, but I kept it to myself. I wasn’t feeling guilty because of the church, I was confused by my feelings, because of the culture I was growing up in. I went through a few boys, all the time I LOVED her, I did everything she wanted, think Peppermint Patty and Marci, I was Marci, only I was an ultra feminine Marci.

Well and my beloved was not masculine at all either, 5’9″, blond, tan, her blue eyes had white flecks like snow, she was perfectly beautiful. She was also the school slut. She played with boys and men like toys, but she was hurt on the inside, a classic tragic beauty, I adored her.

At 21 I married a man that I loved, but who was also a friend, he still is, and in a way that is very deep. Before we married I had gotten mildly involved in the New Age, and then Wicca. Not real serious though, never joined a coven. Just interested in the spiritual and wondered if there was any real magic. I’d get invited to churches, but they seemed so immature to me, I got very arrogant about xians, called them motherless children.

I had read a lot of different books, I could lightly talk about almost any faith. My friends thought I was brilliant LOL. In my car, the radio dial sometimes would float, in other words you’d set 99.9 and if 100 was a station you’d get in the car and be listening to 100. There was a rock station, right next to the fundy station. One day before I turned it back this guy was so instilling fear into this kid who, over Halloween, had played with a Ouija board. The talk show host was laying the fear on thick.

Of course now the kid was infested with demons and if he didn’t repent would be oppressed by them the rest of his life, and then go to hell. I was all OMG this poor kid is being terrified, lied to and indoctrinated. I called and told the guy off, of course the moment I made a point, I was cut off. At that point in my life I was unaware that NO one wins a radio debate except the host. I was handed off to a “counselor”.

The host was an is an idiot, I am embarrassed that THIS is how I got suckered in, but that’s the truth. The counselor started asking me questions, telling me to read things, certain bible passages. I did not know enough to see through it and I did the prayer many are asked to do. “Turn off everything and just ask god, he will show you.” I did, nothing happened, I told her, the counselor, this, she said “read this, cuz the bible is gods word”. I read from the verse she gave me, in Romans, then went to the beginning of the book of Romans, read the entire thing. I am bipolar and didn’t know at the time, I read, the entire new testament, I didn’t sleep for 2 days, and then decided God had spoken to me. Funny what can happen when you are on a bipolar high and don’t sleep. Funny, no one ever thinks something is wrong when you go off on a reading bender and don’t sleep, if your conclusions are the ones they believe too.

I didn’t hear it but was sure I felt “something” in my heart. I prayed and asked God’s forgiveness. In the 2 days I barely left my bedroom, I was not working but I did have as 2 year old, I got up with her, fed her, put her in her room, went in mine and read. When my husband got home, I made dinner, gave him his daughter, and went to my room and read.

I didn’t call the women from the radio place until after I converted. I told her all of it, and I told her manically. Ever hear a manic person tell you something excitedly? Speed talking? Did she think that odd? No, I was on fire in the spirit. My reading the entire New Testament in two days odd? No, again a gift of the Holy Ghost, god spoke, well she had said he would right to me. This was all normal and good. Oy! Again, if you come to the conclusions people want you to, it’s all good. It isn’t until you start disagreeing that somethign could be wrong.

I joined a church, I cried the first time I sat through the worship portion. The songs about how Jesus loves us were so beautiful to me. I went forward the first day and told them, the man was SO excited for me, I went home on a cloud. My husband was just reeling, what the heck??!! I tried to explain, he didn’t get it. How coudl he?? Again, I was manic, not that anyone knew this, when I spoke about Christianity I did so fast, I couldn’t slow down, I am sure I was hard if not immpossible to understand. I went to church alone for about 6 months.

Okay testimony UGH! I came out of the new age and the occult. I did??? I mean ok yeah I did, I guess. So I MUST have a GREAT story! Oh the people I could inspire, the lost ones my story could help. “I heard you had been in the occult, could you give your testimony to my youth group?”my womens group, my bible study group.” Problem, I didn’t have what they wanted. I was never attacked by demons when I converted, I didn’t have stories of ritual abuse. There were no boogie men er I mean demons haunting me.

One womens group I did try to talk to, the small group they put me with about my real concerns, about how eradicate I could be, my husband not believing. Everyone looked at me like I had grown horns, I found out later, a woman in that group mother had died that morning, I had stolen her thunder, I had selfishly spoken through the entire hour, I had NO clue anyone had that kind of concern, AND my concerns were real. Others knew about the death, again I had joined a group already well established, instead of letting me know, instead of understanding I had no way to know, instead of treating me like I was human, I got labled. Selfish freak.

Later a pastor from another church asked me to speak to his youth group. I told him I was not a good speaker, he said I didn’t need to be. I told him my testimony is not what people think. He said anything that comes from the spirit would be good. I Finllay relented, I felt guilty not to. I went, there were 150 approximately kids. I sat there crumbling my paper. He introduced me, I read the “testimony” I had written, I was a horrible speaker, but hey I knew that. When I was done I was supposed to answer questions.

There were none the kids looked as bored as if they had just gotten through with math class. After the Pastor was visibly disappointed, he said I thought you had occult ties? I didn’t know what to say. After that I refused to give my testimony ever again. I felt guilty sometimes, but when pushed I said I did not feel the Lord was leading me to share that part of my life right now. Usually shut them up. I worked in the nursery, or anywhere my daughter was.

At first my husband was not going to let his daughter go anywhere where women were second class citizens. I do not know why he finally let her go, then he started going. The first two times he stayed with her the entire time, checking these people out, he’s like that, he loves his kids. Once he Finllay went with me but then he stopped. I hated going alone, I hated the feel sorry for you looks. I told him this, so he went with me, he converted in a years time.

In the mean time we had another baby, our son. We changed churches, I was starting to get jaded. We asked for prayer for our finances and had a group leader basically yell at us. I saw the popularity contest church was and it bothered me, but that was people, not god. I studied, I felt the reason I had fallen away when I was young was because I had not studied. This made me feel bad, so I was determined for it not to happen again, but I was no longer on a manic high, well, I had had a couple, but I was getting very depressed.

I hid this of course, that’s what you do right? Our church was in a wealthy community, and this was a big church. We lived in the neighboring town in a small condo, and we barely made ends meet, BUT we did make ends meet, we lived within our means. We were what is often called the working poor, heck still are. No credit cards, no huge car loans.

We drove a crappy little car, I wore the clothes I had. My kids had very nice clothes, my daughter was my mothers only grand daughter, my brother had all boys. She (my mother) likes to shop, and as she said girl clothes are more fun. All my brothers boys are older then my son, I got boxes, of very nice hand me downs. I didn’t have the keep up with the Jones “it” lables though. It is not supposed to matter, but it did.

I can remember being in our small group and a man whining about medical school. We had paid our mtg payment, our other bills (light, gas etc) and had 30 dollars left for groceries. I had to listen to him whine about how hard school was, he had no kids, his wife was working they had everything even in that moment, and would have more when he graduated, even married, his parents were paying for his school!I was worrying about feeding my kids! I didn’t say anything, everyone was hugely sympathetic with this man.

There was a lot of, we are the clean perfect Christians, and “they” the poor, are the poor unwashed masses. As soon as you gave your life to Jesus everything was supposed to work out, unless of course you were working too well for Jesus then Satan might attack you. If you were having just problems though, you must be in rebellious sin. Again I put the snobbery down to people, it wasn’t God. I studied “The Word” I started to have questions.

I would ask when I could, at bible studies and things like that, where you could ask questions. Sometimes I got, “wow, good question” and get answers, but often I would be told to wait until after, they never got back to me. One man took me aside and said I was going to cause others to go astray, and this was why women should be silent in church (No, I did not ask during a service, I asked at bible studies, after they were over, when they asked for questions) he said from now on all of the rest of my questions should be asked of first God, then my husband, and if he could not answer them then he should seek guidance from the word, and then a Pastor.

He said this way a woman would not lead people astray and would in fact be working as her husbands help mate by encouraging him to study his bible. A lot of the beliefs were starting to unravel for me, a lot of the bible was. I did not come into the church being lead by a person I came in through the bible, and I was exiting the same way. The exit was going to take more then 2 days though. <WARNING> this next paragraph is a bit graphic.

Then I found out I was pregnant, I panicked, I had NO desire for a baby at ALL! we were struggling financially, I had just gotten a job. I felt like crap all the time, but I knew I could not abort. I was completely depressed. When I should have been about 3 months pregnant I went in for a normal check up. They could not find a baby heart beat, I was sent down stairs for a sonogram, the tech doing it at first was bright and happy, starts the test, and goes somber, I ask her what’s wrong she won’t say, she has to get the doctor.

They move me out of the examination room into the doctors office. Him getting to me took an hour. Finllay he does and tells me the fetus appears to have stopped developing it is showing as a fetus developed to 6 weeks (I believe, I may be wrong on the numbers it’s been more then 10 years) there is no heart beat and it appears the baby has died. He was very gentle with me, and I sat there in shock. He says he could do a D&C right then, but he would prefer not to. You see, my doctor is a Christian and there is a chance, a small chance, a minuscule non existent chance, that we have gotten the gestation numbers wrong on the baby. It could be that I AM only 6 weeks pregnant, that this is a viable fetus, and the heart beat cannot be heard because as of yet it is too small.

He asks that I wait a week, and either the pregnancy will abort itself, or if I come back and the fetus as still not developed anymore we will do the D & C. I went home, in a daze honestly I don’t remember going home. I don’t remember telling my husband, I just know the next day, at night, I woke up with very mild cramps. I woke my husband but he was out and didn’t really wake, I went into the bathroom.

I had been told by my doctor what to expect and what to do. He needed me to save the um parts. I did as instructed. I shut down I collected stuff, it was too small to be seen as a fetus or anything, still I looked, call me sick, but I had to I don’t know why. My body expelled all of it. I called for my husband, he didn’t come, he was asleep, I did not want to wake the kids, but now I was so weak, I threw things from the bathroom to our room, and kept calling, he Finllay came and got me, brought me back to bed, and called the doctor. I was told to sleep and come in in the morning. I layed in bed, curled up into a ball by my husband and cried, saying over and over I want to hold my baby.

I went into the doctors office the next day, I put the jar in a bag so it was not visible, I felt it would upset expecting mothers. I sign in and try to give it to the nurse behind the counter, she asks me what it is, I look at her, in my head screaming I CALLED LAST NIGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW BITCH! I whispered it was the remains, she said “what?” I said I miscarried last night, she said “excuse me?” I looked at her with death in my eyes, she took it and didn’t ask again.

As I started to go sit down a woman who had been my neighbor comes out of the examination rooms. This woman had been vile to me the whole time she lived there, spiteful, just mean and awful. Her husband had gotten a new job, making twice what he had been, they, while still living there had been building this gorgeous home. They had one little girl, and she was not supposed to be able to have another. Well, they did, she was holding her new born daughter.

Apparently we had the same OBGYN, she, not knowing, hands me her baby, all proud and too happy to think anyone else may not be. This baby was beautiful, perfect. I smiled at her, handed the baby back and took my seat. Why? Thats all I could think….. why. Of course I got my answer, I did not want that baby, so God took it. I had night terrors for years after, where bloody baby parts would be yelling at me.. “You didn’t want me!, THIS is what YOU did to me”

I got pregnant again, at the age of 30. I in no way could afford this child. Our condo was too small for four, I didn’t even want to think about five. I became extremely exhausted, I physically felt awful. Then every single freaking test I took, you know all those normal tests when you are pregnant, all came back wrong the first time. I went into a panic, I had a bad attitude, god was going to take this baby too! I forced myself to not just love this baby, I did, but I forced myself to love ALL of it, the poverty, the tiny condo, the car with no air conditioning.

God was going to give me my baby back, what more mattered? The real estate market plummeted in Cali, prices were at an all time low. We started looking. I spoke to my Dad, he agreed if I found a place he would buy the condo from me for my down payment. MIRICLE! We found a home, no where near anything. Small but with 4 bedrooms! I was 8 months pregnant by now, but I jumped ahead. The tests, sigh,. Most were found to be false or something, except two. At my 6 month check up I had placenta previa, this is a very serious condition, which often exists but corrects itself in the first trimester.

At 6 months it was no longer first trimester, what happens? Well the placenta is attached too low, most times they can deliver the baby fine, but the mother .. this is one of the few ways we still lose mothers in child birth in the US. The placenta doesn’t detach correctly and the mother hemorrhages. My parents panicked, see they were watching my son when I had the doctors appointment I went to pick him up they asked how things were I told them. My father went white and left the room, my mother got angry, she said no, have an abortion, now, don’t give me your religious crap it is not worth risking you!

The thing is no, as a Christian I would not have had an abortion, but as a non-christian I might not either with this. Well I wouldn’t have at all at that stage, it was still more then likely it would correct itself, if not at 7 or 8 months they put you in bed, then eventually move you to the hospital, and make sure you do not go into labor, but that they take the baby by c-section before that. When I asked for prayer, it was probably the 5th time I had over this pregnancy, I was blown off, they agreed to pray, but that was it. They acted like I was making things up for attention. I wasn’t, seriously I cannot help it if every test I had came back with a possibility of something being wrong.

I was told, by people who knew nothing that ppfftthhh I’d be fine. A few months before that I had an incident that made me write off Christians, I still believed, although that as I said was unraveling, but the Church, I HATED. Why? Well your first doctor visit they do an AFP test (alphafetoprotein) is is just one in a battery of tests. It came back wrong, but they do not know why at that point, so another test. This one showed that it was either A) nothing, or B_) Spinabifida, well not exactly, um its hard to explain but they knew what it could be on the bad side, but there could be benign causes as well.

There was only one way to know for sure an Amniocentesis test. I spoke to my doctor A LOT about this. For two visits, the pros and cons, the why do this test, the risks etc. I had NO intention, no matter the results of aborting the baby, but there were viable reasons to know. One being that if he knew going in, that the baby had spinabifida he’d do a c-section, and take precautions with the spine. This could make a difference in the child being paraplegic, or quadriplegic. It could make a difference in ever having control of bodily functions or always using a colostomy bag.

Call me shallow but that’s a big deal to me, can use hands, can’t, can eventually control your bowels, can’t. I was going to have the test, I.. like an IDIOT! Asked for prayer the next Sunday in my small group bible study class. I got a lecture which turned into an hour of a woman yelling at me hysterically that I was a baby killer, and that even if my baby had this defect it had the right to live. Not once did the leader think to stop this, actually he said once that he did not think the test was necessary, oh he’s a doctor now??!!I tried to interject twice that I had no intention of aborting, and she literally got in my face, out of her seat leaning over in my face, and said then why have the test! WHY! huh?? Why?! So you can get rid of a defect!!!??? I left church in tears. My husband had not gone that day, when I told him he refused to go back.

Well, as I said before we got a new home and needed a new church anyway, we were now a 2 hour drive form the old one. We moved in a week after the birth of our third child a healthy baby girl, 9 pounds even. We named her Amy, a simple name, but it means beloved, and she is, very much so. A new baby, a new home, things were good. Things were looking up, really. We found a new church, it was SO different, no snobs, in a working class neighborhood, people seemed so loving. I was still suspicious though.

I went to small groups, but I didn’t say anything. We at first were OK, but this new house had us cutting things close all the time. I wrote on a response card about these difficulties, honestly, form my previous experiance, I didn’t think anyone read them. The pastor, the senior pastor not some ministry leader, calls me at home. I was all huh? He gives me $200 out of his own pocket, I was bowled over. We as always consistently worked in the children’s ministries.

My husband liked it, but always worked WITH me, he’s a good man, but he knew a man working with kids makes a lot of people think things, so he made sure he was never alone with a kid. My reluctance to talk I felt was keeping it where I was close to no one, and people seemed so loving here, and no one was wealthy so I started opening up, and found a close knit group that acted open but really didn’t want newbies. One woman though I got close to, and then closer and then she started telling me very personal things, and it felt awkward so I backed off. Later she accused the pastor of a bunch of things including having an affair with his secretary, now I have to say there really was NO evidence that he did this.

She made a big stink and was thrown out. Now I can feel for a person falsely accused, and I do not even now think he was screwing his secretary, but how he handled this disturbed me. He brought it to the entire church, and he cried, and played victim, talked of how many times he has been betrayed, he seriously made EVERYONE feel guilty and at the same time feel a need to be loyal and protect him. His secretary, who had actually been friends with this woman, her feelings of betrayal, or whatever were forgotten, it was all about him.

It was insane. This was about 4 years into this church, and by then my husband was the children’s pastor. I asked questions, I got shut down, again, I stopped, then we got the Internet, I could ask anything anonymously and if one person shut me down there were a million others, I started talking regularly in an interfaith group, I met people who the words liberal were not akin to pure evil. Humanism again, people actually talked of not in whispers and like it was Satan himself.

I heard someone explain why, to her, situational ethics were better. I got book ideas that were not just fundamental ones, some were even Christian. I made friends with an SGI Buddhist, I now have problems with that group same as I do Christianity, not to the same extent, but it was a step. There was no sin, but there was still ethics, you could trust yourself. I saw, for the first time, I was right to question, it wasn’t that I was bad, evil, a woman, or I just didn’t study enough.

It DIDN’T make sense. The bible made NO sense. The bible MAKES no sense. It never did, it never will, not as the inerrant word of god infallible, it is fallible, it makes HUGE mistakes. I left, but I decided to make an appointment With the pastor and tell him I was leaving, I was very serene Buddhist at the time. I had every hope that this would be peaceful, and we could part friends. It did, he was “disappointed” I saw the guilt attempt, but it didn’t work, he says “I love you sister, if you ever need me.”

The fear attempt, you know you leave the church your life WILL fall apart. Saw that too, and just smiled, and said to him, well if you ever need me….. He hugs me again telling me he loves me and I left. I didn’t go directly home. My husband knew I was going to do this, he really had not wanted me too. He was a nervous wreck, finally after calling home a hundred times he calls the church. This still pisses me off to this day, the nerve the complete gall.
No, not my husband, he calls, and the pastor first lays into him, like it is his fault. Acts all, “control your woman” bullsnot. Actually says to him you need to reach down and find your balls. OMG! What a jerk! He tells my husband that he should kick me out of the house, husband is all “I don’t think I have grounds for divorce?”

Pastor Jerk says “Oh no, you can’t divorce her, just kick her out.” He tells him this is in Corinthians, he doesn’t give a verse, doesn’t even say if he means 1 or 2, weird cuz it is in Cor that it says if you have an unbelieving spouse you should not divorce them, not if they will live with you in peace. The pastor tells him if he lets me stay in the house all his children will fall away too. That he has to be a man, he’s the spiritual head of the house, and if I will not obey, I am in rebellion and he should kick me out.

My husband was dumb struck, what do you say to that, it is SO wrong, just so so wrong. He gets home and looks just numb ya know, in shock, I had no idea what had occurred. I was all are you okay, what happened, at first he didn’t want to say. He didn’t want to make any more estranged from the church then I was, but then, he saw it as an attack no our marriage and told me. He waited for me to get angry, and I was, but he was so hurt, that overrode everything else.

Eventually he had a meeting Whit both the pastor and the asst. pastor, and he said he would step out of ministry slowly, they didn’t want him to. He said he would wait a year, or until they had a replacement and would make suer as best he could that things ran without him, and he did. Our oldest was 13, she wanted to continue attending there and we let her, all her friends were there. I thought at the time that was the right thing. People talk of fear of hell, I didn’t fear for me, but I was afraid my children would leave due to me, and I’d be wrong. What I didn’t know was how hard this youth group was for her.

How they expected her to be perfect all the time, at home, at school, at church. Then one day, after church while she was waiting for her ride home, the Pastor came up to her and said hi, and gave her a hug. Then he says to her, “How are you?” all concerned, but he made her feel uncomfortable, she said ok. Then Pastor Jerk says, “well one of these days, I will come by and take you out of that house full of weirdos”

My anger was only matched by my husbands. She never went back, not there, not any other church. A year later she and I were out shopping, and I apologized for pulling her out, and for how me leaving must have confused her. She said OMG Mom, you leaving was the BEST thing that ever happened to me!” Now, she’s a healthy well adjusted atheist, I’m still agnostic. My husband is a liberal chiristian and he takes our two youngest with him to church. They are not so judgmental, liberal, and well just not jerks

Sometimes I am still angry, sometimes I’m not. It’s a process. I have problems, but I know they are not caused by Satan, and are not a test, and it’s not that I committed some thought crime. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes it’s beautiful. That’s just how it is.

Well thats my long rambling mess of a story, you’re still here?? Wow!

Edited because I got rushed before and didn’t fill out all fields.