I have been pondering for days what to say in this letter. It would be so easy to be angry, bitter, selfish or preachy. Believe me, I have written one version of this letter for each of those attitudes. However, I love the church – or at least the people who comprise it. I can no longer be bitter towards the church; if only because God has extended such radical love, grace and patience to me in my process of leaving the church walls.
I want to avoid making negative generalizations; for I know there is little bad I can say that is entirely true of every church or every Christian. I want to convey my heart, but I fear sounding exactly like every other church-leaver; making all the same excuses, expressing frustration with all the same things.
However, I cannot deny that for me, church is broken.
I was born into the arms of the church; I am at least a fourth generation Christian. The church and I have laughed together and cried together. We have whispered secrets, sang, danced, shouted, prayed…and yet somehow I always felt something was missing from our relationship. Yes, I have tried many different brands of church. They were all different; and I loved each and every one for it’s good qualities – yet I never found exactly what I was looking for. Each seemed to know exactly who they believed God to be, exactly how He works, and exactly who He chooses as His own. For some reason, my relationship with Jesus has never worked like that.
I have journeyed far and wide looking for a place that really embodies the Jesus I know. In that process, I have learned many interesting things:
· I have learned about how the Character of God never changes; yet it is new every morning.
· I have learned about God’s goodness, and conversely, His wrath.
· I have learned the Bible inside and out because it’s my only weapon against the ‘enemy’. I have learned about the ministry of the Holy Spirit because He is my greatest weapon against the ‘enemy’.
· I have learned that communion should only be taken with wine; I learned that communion should never be taken with wine, only with grape juice.
· I have heard “love the sinner, hate the sin”. In church circles, I have heard whispers behind the backs of alcoholics and adulterers.
· I learned that babies should be baptized by sprinkling, so I was. I learned that we must be baptized by immersion at the age of accountability, so I was. I learned that I must be baptized again to receive the Holy Spirit. So I was.
· I learned to pray liturgically, and in tongues.
· I learned that one could only meet God in a church building; I also learned that I could meet Him in my living room.
· I learned that God only spoke through the text of the Bible and yet He also speaks directly and audibly to me.
· I learned to sing hundreds of hymns by memory. I also learned to sing hundreds of Contemporary Christian Hits by memory.
· I learned to kneel when I pray; I learned to stand with my hands in the air when I pray.
· I learned that God’s grace covers every transgression and we should not judge each other; and yet I learned to disguise gossip as “prayer requests”.
· I learned that only men may preach; and yet I learned that women may preach when properly ‘covered’. I even learned that women can actually be ordained in some traditions.
One God. So many contradictions. Isn’t it strange how God can be all these things; all at the same time? Therein lies the problem. The church likes to pick and choose beliefs and practices, and then set them down in cement as “doctrine”. I like to believe God doesn’t have to be limited to one methodology.
The church is like a box; God is like wind. Containing Him might be just a little tough. Unfortunately, most every church I have been to seems to believe they have contained God. Sometimes they even believe that anyone whose container doesn’t look like theirs is condemned.
I have yet to find any one church that allows the freedom my faith needs to breathe. In order to know God, I need to be able say I don’t really know all that much about Him at all; I need to be able to ask questions. I need to be allowed to see the many variations of God that exist; and that God exists in all people, no matter who they are. I likewise need to not be required to see God through any one person’s perspective, as if anyone has a completely clear representation of God. I would like a place where people are free to creatively know God, but a place that still believes Jesus is the only real Way.
Maybe I’m just unsuited for such subscriptions to doctrines and dogmas as church requires. Maybe in some people’s eyes, that might mean I’m not really a Christian. I do know that I love Jesus, and I try to live by His examples of love, gentleness and grace as much as I am able – which often isn’t great; but I thoroughly trust in His forgiveness for the shortcomings of my humanity. Beyond that, I don’t claim to know much, and that’s OK with me.
One day, I’m sure I’ll return. Maybe in some ways I never really left.
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Lily, I love your title - ‘boxless’.
As you wander around outside the box I hope you’ll encounter into other people in a similar situation, who got out of the box because they found they couldn’t follow Jesus very well inside it.
In the widest sense, I think you’re right, that you haven’t left unless you go lock yourself in a closet and never talk (or e-mail, or write blog post to) to any other human beings.
According to the Bible (Matthew 18:20), Jesus said whenever two or three are gathered together in my name, I’m there too. Maybe he just meant formal gatherings where people pray and say “In Jesus’ name”. But I suspect he probably would count the times two boxless people run into each other, have a brief interaction and each leave a bit more affirmed and hopeful because they don’t feel quite so alone.
(Not that I would really know - when I write things about Jesus I mostly make them up; I don’t even know what I believe about Jesus.)
Thanks for your thoughts, Helen. FWIW I have never heard you say anything that sounds like you’re “making things up”.
“But I suspect he probably would count the times two boxless people run into each other, have a brief interaction and each leave a bit more affirmed and hopeful because they don’t feel quite so alone.”
That’s a very accurate way to put it.
What I really wanted to say in my last line was “maybe I never really left”. I didn’t realize that’s what I meant until I read your comment. I’m going to edit that.
Thanks for commenting.
Lily, I thought your last line always said “maybe I never really left” - maybe I just intuited what you meant all along!
“The church is like a box; God is like wind.”
I love this line. Love it!
I wonder if there is a possibilty for the church to be like the wind. I am reminded at the day of pentecost, which many cite as the foundational event for the church, that one of the spiritual phenomena was “the sound of a violent wind.”
Thanks for submitting your letter!
Helen - We’re a good team
Tim - Thanks for the compliment. I love the spiritual imagery of wind.
Lily,
Thanks for this letter, in fact, I registered just to let you know. I’m going through a time right now in my life where some of those things just really “match up” with what I’m trying to say. I’m going to have to give “The Church is like a box; God is like wind.” a big thumbs up too, beautiful quote. I like the observation about gossip in prayer requests, sometimes they also seem to be a vessel for showing people your accomplishments. It’s weird. Anyways, props on a compassionate letter where it’s so easy to be angry and attacking. I enjoyed it.
Thanks,
Stefan
Wow, thanks Stefan for your kind words. I truly appreciate it.
I agree that prayer requests are manipulated in many ways, not just as gossip. Good observation. It really is an interesting phenomenon.
I was angry, bitter and hurt for a season. I’m not perfect, nowhere near it, but I have come a long way in healing. In this process of leaving church, God has been nothing but gracious and kind and patient with me. As hard as it may be, I realize He would like me to extend that same grace towards people whom I disagree with about matters of faith. I’m still learning, but that’s my desire.
Thanks again. Lily.
I’m prompted to quote something I read recently.
Revelation involves recognising that some of what we have believed is probably wrong. That can be difficult when people have a need for approval, but so much theology tries to capture the wind by closing the windows.
OldPete - Thanks for your thoughts on this. I checked out your site, there’s some interesting stuff there.
I like what you said about trying to “capture the wind by closing the windows”. Good point!
Hey Lily,
“most every church I have been to seems to believe they have contained God.”
To me it is so incredibly beyond words that it takes all of eternity to know God…any less and God wouldn’t be God. Religion is so small.
“I have yet to find any one church that allows the freedom my faith needs to breathe.”
Me neither, although God has brought a handfull of families living the kingdom of god and so excited about it they desire to share what they are experiencing and realizing…no agenda, no services, no programs…just life, freedom and love boundlessly shared.
“I thoroughly trust in His forgiveness for the shortcomings of my humanity. Beyond that, I don’t claim to know much, and that’s OK with me.”
Beautiful.
Rick
Hi Rick - Wow another new site for me to check out. Cool.
I love what you said about it taking all of eternity to know God. Wow. That’s what I’m talking about.
I’m glad you have found something like this that works for you. I’m jealous. I would hope I could find or create something similar someday.
Thanks for commenting!