I’m not really sure when I was saved. I’ve always thought it was a process more than a moment, for me, at least. I grew up going to church, but with an agnostic dad and an openly bitter against the church mom (and what I considered a church-crazy grandma), it was more a rite of passage than anything anyone expected me to believe. And I didn’t really worry about it much. I started reading the Bible when I was 21, was Baptized (to join the church, which I thought was God’s will for me), and when I was 23 my husband entered the ministry. He served for seven years as a youth minister at two different churches, and I was very much involved in both ministries, as well as other ministries of both churches. I’ve taught classes, worked with kids, adults, teenagers, pretty much every age group and setting I could.
In our last ministry position, I became increasingly convinced that God has called us to love. There, I encountered people in situations where I often felt helpless to do more than love and pray. Be there. Make time. I saw the church more and more preoccupied with doing the “church activities” and caring less about the people that I believe need to hear the message of Christ. People they considered sinners. The atmosphere of that church was oppressive. Nothing was good enough.
My husband and I both felt stifled and unable to minister effectively. It was painful. We are both creative people and believe that community and relationship and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE are required in the kind of church we believe God calls us to have. Unfortunately, we were hurt in our relationships, stunted in our community, and frustrated by the disdain our church showed those less fortunate. Eventually, because we refused to stop the ministry we were called there to do, we were asked to leave.
Even though we were prepared for it, I don’t think I can explain in words how that scarred both of us. It’s been over a year, but the wounds are still as fresh as ever. At the time, I believed that God was opening a door for us both to pursue our creative ministries, but we have yet to come to the point where either of us are ready with them. It has been hard, that aspect, of knowing that something is of God, but others not getting it because it is not traditional ministry. But I feel there is a wall between that possible future ministry and now, and I believe I’ll never get to it if I don’t follow Him. But, I also feel I need the church to help me follow Him, because on my own, I am doing PITIFULLY when it comes to being GOD-Centered.
The context of my husband’s resignation felt like betrayal to me. People I loved and who said they loved me stabbed me in the back. They lied to us, everyone saying that they weren’t the ones who wanted us gone, it was someone else. But everyone said that. I am not kidding. Someone had to want us gone or else they wouldn’t have asked it, right? Even the pastor lied during a business meeting, when one of the youth got up and asked why my husband was being asked to leave. He said that my husband was leaving of his own free will. They asked us to tell the kids that we were, too, and tried to hide behind “because otherwise they might grow angry with the church, even leave.” Which, of course, many did. The manner in which they asked us to leave made us feel as if our ministry there was unvalid in their eyes. We felt that we gave excessively and in return, we were asked to go away. It still hurts, honestly.
I spent a couple months in another church immediately after it happened, but then I moved a couple states away, back home, as we’d moved away from “home” to minister in that last church. Since moving “home”, I have visited four or five churches, but my attendance is sporadic, and I have not committed to any church yet.
I really feel sad that I don’t have a church family anymore. But I am also scared of being betrayed again, scared of being drained by a constant storm of condemnation and judgment.
I believe that God loves me, although my once passionate Bible study and prayer time have become spotty. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help my husband want to go to church, either. But we both feel the same, when we look at shiny, churchy faces: “HYPOCRITE!” I KNOW DEEPLY that this isn’t true of anywhere near all people in churches, and yet after our last experiences it is impossible to know the difference.
I really wish I knew where to go from here. I have four young children and I want them to grow up in a spiritually sound atmosphere. I don’t want them to inherit bitter attitudes about the church. I want them to lead full lives, serving God. I just don’t KNOW and don’t have the STRENGTH to figure it out. It makes me very sad.
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I’m not sure what “falling away” implies in your situation, but I would like to encourage you if I may? A couple of things got my attention.
You said: “I really feel sad that I don’t have a church family anymore. But I am also scared of being betrayed again, scared of being drained by a constant storm of condemnation and judgment.”
After your experience it will be very difficult to trust people again. Something happens to us when we suffer from this kind of disregard and I think it’s normal for us to protect ourselves from allowing it to happen again. Most likely you will find more condemnation and judgement from the church. It just seems to be what many Christians are good at. Love and encouragement should be more previlent, but it usually isn’t. Maybe what you need are a few good friends who will love you and study with you. People who will help you become spiritually healthy again, no matter how long it takes.
You also said: “I believe that God loves me, although my once passionate Bible study and prayer time have become spotty. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help my husband want to go to church, either.” You are correct that God loves you. More than you realize I think. As much as you need to pray and read, your relationship with Christ is not contingent upon these things, as important as they are. Every season is different and you can’t compare now to then for your sense of worth. You are worth more than you know to God. Sometimes the only thing we can “do” is wait on the Lord. He will do the work. I know we’ve been trained to “do” so that God will be pleased with us, but the only one who can please God is Jesus and he lives in you. I wish I could tell you how to let him do it, but I am struggling through that one myself.
Hang in there and after the storm there will be blessings in discovering what the Lord has taught you through it all.
Take care.
Ed.
The Church is not where we go, It’s who were are”
Your free now to follow Jesus. Do it where you are. With everything you have.
How big can you dream?
I see a congregation every time I drive into my neighborhood. I see a church building whenever I walk into my house. I invite people to eat with me and listen to them. I am an adult with natural and spiritual gifts. Their is no limit to what I can do.
This is my neighborhood. I, the church live among them. The people that live in my neighborhood are not here to serve the church. The church is here to serve the people as Jesus would.
Be encouraged. you have a momentous opportunity in front of you, if you so choose.
Steven
simplechurch.tv
Your life experience sounds so incredibly, painfully similar to mine. I read your post nodding my head, yes, yes, you too?
I understand your grief in this. Though my own experience was nine years ago, now, I still occasionally struggle with trusting others…
One thing I took from my experience that perhaps God will be showing you - is that God ALONE is faithful, God ALONE will never fail you. I learned/continue to learn that men are what they are: fallen creatures who do right only by the grace of God. Trust carefully, but not blindly or unrealistically.
I took many solitary walks during my time of grief and separation from the local church body, and came to the realization that, really, what had that church taken from me? Fellowship, friendships, ministry, perhaps, yes. But what of SUBSTANCE? Could they take away my salvation? Could they affect my relationship with Christ? Once I realized that they were powerless in those areas–I can’t describe it, other than that I had a holy passion for God and HIS glory and faithfulness to me–who really cared what that church did?? They could take nothing of value from me.
I have had to argue myself back to that reality many times since then, but it was at that point of realization that the flood tide began to recede in my life.
I pray that you will press on to know the LORD and His goodness and faithfulness. You can still be useable to God even if you’re not officially “in the ministry.” Honestly–? we minister every day, wherever we are and whatever we are doing. There is no difference between secular and sacred for a follower of Christ.
God bless.
I think a good tool for anyone feeling the way you have expressed is www.ransomedheart.com. Excelent encouragement for both men and women!
Be encouraged.
You are going to be great! Even if you do not read your bible “as you should” or pray the way you used to. God will talk to you through the songs you happen to hear on the radio, the billboards on the road as you drive to do your errands, even the license plate on the car ahead of you. You will pray as you breathe… you will talk to him as Abraham did, as a friend: a random thought will come into your head and you ask god about it, you will see a beautiful cloud formation and you will thank the lord for blessing you with it. You will walk much closer to god now because there will not be anyone telling you how it “should be” - just wait and see what god will do. And as for your friends back at the church… forgive them lord for they know not what they do. Think about it, they have to be feeling pretty insecure with their own positions knowingthe way you were treated. Unless they really believe their own lies. If that is the case, well, you know…
God often has to pull “church” out from under us, in order for us to find HIM, find that He alone is worthy of glory and honor and praise. When “my” church was pulled out from under me, I was emotionally and spiritually devastated, but after getting past that traumatic period in my life, I realized it was the church I had been worshipping and in which I had placing my faith. Now, through the revelation of God through Jesus Christ upon my heart, I realize I am in His Body (His Church), where ever I am, be it in an assembly or not. His Church, His Kingdom is not of this world and is not subject to the confines of an assembly. God loves you, my friend, and He WILL LEAD YOU beside the still waters and into green pastures.
I would love to hear from you via e-mail as to where God is leading you now, in the months since you wrote this post.
Sheila Harris
sharris@mo-net.com