Letters From Leavers

I seem to have come a different way than most. I first encountered God in the wilderness. He led me back in. Then, He led me out again. Why? I think to show me those who didn’t know that they didn’t know. This was the first thing He showed me, yet I did not understand it fully for about seven years. After all, I had once been one too.

I grew up in a devout Baptist family. All my parents knew in their minds was what the preacher taught (which wasn’t much) but they lived surrendered lives led by the Spirit. It was by watching them in later years I learned I had confused maturity with gifting and that knowledge of the scriptures was not the same as living them and the latter did not necessarily require the former.

I did what was required and expected of me. I walked the aisle at 11 and was baptized. I believed by hearsay and thought nothing of it. After all, I had been well treated by most and my naivete covered the sins of the others. I believed because I had no reason not to believe, but I did not know God, nor did I have any inkling that one could. Certainly there was no evidence around me that I could see that anyone else did. Except maybe the preacher. He said God spoke to him and I had been taught that preachers were special. That they were “called.”

My parents were certainly different,though. They seemed to be unlike any of the others in that they seemed to desire none of the things of the world that others deemed so important, but I attributed that to their being raised during the Depression.

Since it had been my habit since birth, the first two Sundays at college I showed up at the 1st Baptist Church where it seemed I was invisible. The third Sunday I slept in and preceded to do the same for 30 years except when my parents visited. During that time I began to be schooled in the heart of man. As I said, I was raised to be very trusting and had little experience with deceit and betrayal.

That changed suddenly upon graduation when my first boss cheated me out of $4,000 that I had borrowed from my parents to invest in the company. Within two months I was a newly wed with no job and no money. The money was all spent before he even raised it. Confused, I confronted him. How could he do this knowing that I had to borrow this money from my parents. I never forgot his answer: “It was a business decision for business reasons.” He didn’t even blink. I knew then that if I was going to be able to play in this new game of business that I had some toughening up to do.

Thus, began 30 years of working for Laban. I learned that every contract could be disputed and breached no matter how clear the language. I learned that employees would kill profitable ventures for their company out of jealousy and I became convinced that I must be one of only two or three people in the country who could read and write with understanding. My sport and life was business and I meditated on it for 30 years day and night. Literally. And, I got pretty good at it and succeeded for many years on almost everything I put my mind to. I had complete faith … in myself. Then, in 1994, I entered into a new business venture that should have be the best of all, but no matter how hard I strived the gold was always just one step out of reach. I was making bricks without straw but didn’t know it. But, I continued to labor, for I had never failed to acheive that which I set my mind on and this was a very good venture.

After four years of this, about 2:30 in the morning I suddenly woke up with a start as I heard “It’s time.” My heart leaped with inexpressible (that is the best I can do, for I have nothing else to compare to it) joy and I felt a warmth flow over me from head to toe leaving a coolness in its wake. I remember weeping and saying “It’s all true.” But, even this did not change my behavior.

Two months later, I was laid low with an extreme case of bronchitis. I was very weak from lack of sleep and I began having a series of night visions and other experiences which I have no name for, except they were more real than “real.” At the end of this weak I was hospitalized. When I got out I was humbled and shaken. The doctors explained my experience as a hallucinatory side effect of my anti-biotic, but I could not shake the understanding that all these things had something to do with God. I was like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters where he cannot shake the vision of mountain. He is drawn there even though he does not know what to expect and goes even at the threat of death. He MUST go. This is the state I was in when I reentered “the Church.” Something had happened to me. I was sure God was involved I was looking for answers. In the church and in the Bible. I became like Dreyfuss sculpting his mashed potatoes into the vision of the mountain. I had seen, but men looked like trees walking around. I needed a second touch. I had to know.

This began my tour of the seven churches, the first stop of which was an apostate Methodist Church where I quickly saw that the pastor had no clue. I would ask him questions about the Bible and found that he knew less about the Bible than I did and I had not cracked it in 30 years.

So I began to move from one high place to the next seeking the true church. I had no awe of men, church leaders or not, and I began reading the Bible. As I did I began seeing that virtually every passage that was well known had its meaning twisted out of context. And these were not difficult passages. Yet, as my distrust of religious men grew, my trust in God grew also. When I prayed, there was a Presence and my prayers were answered. Some before I finished speaking. There seemed to be a new life stirring within me. I could feel it, like a woman with child feels her child stir. I would move to a church, grow and benefit for a time, then the Lord would open my eyes and move me on.

Finally, He showed me the delusion that would deceive even the elect if that were possible. During this time, He also took me out of economic Babylon. I gave up my business. This was where my heart was, not the church. I never trusted in the church for anything, nor did I have any religious ambitions. This is the reason, I believe that I avoided the trials that many here have experienced. I never trusted in a system, nor a doctrine. I trusted in the Lord Himself, even when I had no understanding. He took me back to the trusting state I was in as a child, but only to trust in Him and Him alone. I don’t trust men and I have learned I cannot trust myself either.

This, I believe, is the only way to leave Egypt without camping in its suburbs — complete trust in the Living God, and in God alone. Anything less is idolatry.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path.”

Like the song says, “Trust and obey for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” For real, in real time, for He is risen.