Answering the question, “Why did you leave the church?” is a frustrating experience for me because most of the time, people don’t listen to what I have to say. Instead, they presume a lot of things about me. Better, they are very sure what they’re saying about me is right – it’s just that I don’t want to listen or have not realised it myself, which is why I find the post by godlessgrrl, I wish for ears to listen so spot on.
But still, I love the fact that sites like these exist because people who have left the institutional church (IC) are often treated like outsiders, pariahs or hell, even traitors, by people inside the IC. They need a safe place to talk about their decision.
My faith story is a long, complicated one, and can be read here. But you’d be interested to know that I spent the first five years as a Christian outside the IC, not attending Sunday services. Later, I was involved with a mega church where I served as Sunday School teacher, worship team member and the women ministry’s newsletter’s editor. I left that megachurch when bad teaching crept in and when I realised that the cell group I was under was spiritually abusive. I joined another church but left when I realised that once “you’ve taken the red pill”, there’s no going back. I’ve seen what an illusion this “doing church” thing is, and I realise that me participating in Sunday services and ministries will not get me what I want: Real relationships. When I realise that, the activities became meaningless.
When I was in IC, I find my relationships there will grow weaker and weaker until I become a stranger when I stop doing my churchy things. I’m perplexed. Shouldn’t they still be my friends if I’m not around?And I realise then that one is obligated to do these activities in order to be included and accepted. It made me ill to realise that these people will only be my “friends” if I do the same things they do. Sometimes, I even have to change my personality to fit in. Their “love” was conditional. Community of God? Bulls***!
(After leaving the two churches, most of my friends in the churches have ceased to contact me even after me calling them once in a while. It’s understandable since I’m not in the same church club. [sarcasm])
What’s worse: the leadership will put the organisation above the needs of the ordinary people. Time and time again I have been told that a church leader cannot be disciplined thanks to the politics in the church. How often have I witnessed a hurt church member ignored as the person who had hurt her/him go unpunished? Yet, church leaders keep telling me that it’s the way things are and I just don’t get it. I couldn’t abide by that! Why have we made “doing the right thing” so complicated?
But wait, you need to attend Sunday Services because you need to worship God! Hello, we attend church not for people but for God!
Um, perhaps this is due to the fact that I spent the five years outside the IC, but I have never associated Sunday Services as “worship God time”. To me, “worship God time” is everywhere and anywhere.
I realise that life outside the institutional church isn’t as horrible as they’ve warned us. In fact, I find it more refreshing and challenging. In the institutional church I was passive; I was fed relationships and beliefs and told what to do to serve. But outside, I have to be proactive. Making friends is more of an effort, but more fulfilling because I’m getting to know them because I want to know them, not because I serve in the same ministry.
I find out that the Lord will always have things for you to do outside the IC. But they’re often not on the IC’s grandiose levels. There are no mega worship presentations in stadiums to organise. Instead, serving could mean visiting a single mum with three kids to cheer her up, selling wares at the jumble sale to raise money for the local women’s shelter or even walking the dogs at the animal shelter. It’s exciting to look for opportunities to serve rather than wait for them to be announced on the church bulletin board.
I study more about God not just by doing my devotions and reading the Bible every day slavishly (which I don’t do) but through discussions with Christians and non-Christians, by reading articles of bloggers and Christian writers, and yes, by ocassionally pondering Scripture.
Now that I’ve tasted what it’s like to be on the outside, I don’t understand why I should return inside, where I’ll be rendered passive again. I don’t want to just do the obligatory once-a-year visit to the orphanage. I want to do more. I’m also unwilling to stay silent and look away when I witness an abuse because I’m told that it’s not my place nor do I have the appropriate rank to do so.
Of course you can do more and still attend Sunday services and cell groups (of course!) people argue. But I will say this: I don’t understand how hearing someone talk for an hour, sing a couple of songs and then leave (after, if you’re lucky, a few superficial conversations with fellow church members) is beneficial.
As a busy professional, I rather be doing something more productive with the time, as harsh it may sound.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll never step through church doors ever again. I do visit friends’ churches to enjoy being there with them at a time they consider meaningful. I may not share their connection with the IC, but I certainly do not condemn them for it.
Well, I hope somehow that this enlightens you somewhat about why some of us leave the IC. And I pray … please listen.
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I really enjoyed what you had to say. I didn’t go to your link yet and read your whole story, but I eventually will. You make some very valad points that I can relate to. I too am more interested in genuine friendship, rather than superficial ones. I’m not sure why it is so difficult for people in the IC to make a connection with others. I do understand that some people just don’t have close relationships with other and that not everyone can connect, but it seems to me that the IC somehow creates an environment that keeps people from getting too close. Maybe it’s that they keep people too busy doing stuff that doesn’t seem to be that fulfilling. I don’t know.
After 16 years of heavy involvement and the dream of being a full time pastor I am no longer in an IC and to be honest I feel more available now than ever before.
Thank you for your words and for not criticizing the church. I’ve always felt that even though it is all messed up it still belongs to God and he will use it in this world.
Have a great day.
Ed.
That is really true about what you said about how you have to be more proactive to find relationships when you leave church. I’m tempted to go back to church, because it was easier to make friends when i was in church. I find i don’t know how to interact with people outside of the church setting. for that reason i’m really tempted to go back.
Mar 10:29-30
(29) Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake,
(30) but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life.
I have found this to be true in experience. Before I left my business (farms) I thought I had a number of friends, but as my life slowed down I came to understand that these were acquaintances centered around the activities of my business. Once the economic opportunities ceased so did the interest in me.
I point this out, because I think the same thing usually occurs in what we call “the church.” We have acquaintances because of a common interest and activity, however, there is no depth to the relationship because it goes no farther than the common activity. This applies to small group meetings as much as the church service meetings. True, you have more time to talk to the people than the “meet and greet” time, but I find that the small group meeting itself usually defines the extent of the relationship. Some may disagree with me on this, but take this test.
Of the people whom you meet at church sponsored activities, how many have been in your home or you in theirs or how many times have you shared a meal together separate from any church sponsored activity? I suspect for most the answer will be zero? And, even if the answer is occasionally, is that cause for boasting?
However, getting back to the passage above, the Lord has given me a few that are family. He made the introductions. Two occurred in an institutional church. The others apart from any religious activity, yet from the first moment there was a deep connection that is greater than that of flesh and blood family members. Those of us who live near, constantly spend time with one another. We share our houses, our meals and our lives. Only one of them attends a church service with us, but even that would not matter. We often may not even speak to each other during the meeting, but then we may spend the afternoon together at one of our houses.
Truth is, most people today make precious little time available to spend even with the members of their own immediate family, so it should be no surprise when the relationships with others are superficial. The apostle John was plainspoken about this very matter:
1Jn 4:20-21
(20) If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.
(21) And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
We may attempt duck this by saying we do not “hate” our brother, but the test is not limited to that. It also says one who does not love his brother CANNOT love God. How can we say we love those whose company we do not desire enough even to spend time together? This test is equally demanding, whether one attends an organized church or has left. The state of our human relationships is reflective of our spiritual relationship. If we spend time with God we cannot avoid having a strong desire for fellowship with the brethren — a real, deep relationship — and when the time is right, our Father will do what He promised, a hundredfold.
“When I was in IC, I find my relationships there will grow weaker and weaker until I become a stranger when I stop doing my churchy things. I’m perplexed. Shouldn’t they still be my friends if I’m not around?And I realise then that one is obligated to do these activities in order to be included and accepted. It made me ill to realise that these people will only be my “friends” if I do the same things they do. Sometimes, I even have to change my personality to fit in. Their “love” was conditional. Community of God? Bulls***!”
You go Girl!!!!!!!!