Letters From Leavers

To my old home church:

I wanted to leave you while I was still in high school, but because of my parents I continued to attend, although I looked for any excuse I could find not to come. You see, I was tired. Tired of the focus being on how to get new people to come, instead of feeding the people already there. I was tired of being appreciated only for the things I did to serve, instead of being valued as a person who needs guidance and support. I was tired of giving, giving, giving, and never receiving spiritual food.

I was deeply hurt by my youth pastor while I was there. I was a major leader in youth group: leading worship, participating in the drama team, trying to be a role model for everyone. And when I finally confessed my addiction to pornography to my youth pastor (the only adult I ever told), he did nothing. I was not asked to step down from any of my leadership roles. He never gave me counsel on how to overcome this problem. I felt ignored and unimportant.

When I left for college, I returned home the first weekend to bring back empty suitcases that I didn’t have room to store in my dorm. I was immediately asked to help out on Sunday morning, even though they were aware all summer that I was leaving for college. I felt that I was not valued as a person, that I was forever stuck serving in the same things, even when it got very spiritually draining for me, because no one else stepped up.

Home church, even though I grew up there and made many good memories, the hurtful things that happened have impacted me so greatly that I do not regularly attend a church now, even though my Christian college wants all students to do so. I’m so afraid of being used again, of being seen only for what services I can provide, instead of being able to receive and grow during a time that has been very spiritually difficult for me. I’m so afraid of being alienated for my shortcomings, of being rejected for the mistakes I’ve made, that I struggle to connect with the Christian community outside of the friends I have at school. When I go home, I try not to attend church. I tried to switch churches during the summer, but that church’s pastor had an affair and had to step down, and my faith in the church was very damaged. In the midst of this challenge, the church handled it well, but I never felt able to connect with anyone because it was such a big church. I eventually stopped going because I felt so alone.

I pray that God helps me work through these issues, and that I can find a church to love and support me through the trials of my life. I don’t want to forsake God and the things I was taught as I grew up. But unless I can find a safe place to worship, I fear that I will spend most of my life on my own.