Letters From Leavers

Dear “Church,”

I really don’t know who or what ”Church” I’m referring to. You see my entire life, I’ve been pulled from one church and pushed to another or vice-versa. I never really stayed with one church long enough to commit to it and even when we were there, my first loyalty was to my family. We lived too far away for me to get involved and it was selfish of me to ask them to drive me to activites. As a result, I became a pew warmer. But then we find a church that’s perfect for my parents and my brother. They found friends, he found friends. I found outcasts, because I was one myself. My youth pastor ignored me. There was only a certain group of “cool”  youth group members who were the focal point of the group. The lies, the crap that was feed me that we “were a family” was a bunch of shit. That’s right, I said shit. Because it was. I loved the pastor. I learned so much from him. He was humble, sincere and a perfect representation of Christ but in that church if you weren’t active and doing all these activites you were screwed.

I tried. I tried so damn hard to fit in and become friends and reach out. But I was constantly ignored, constantly snubbed,  constantly treated like a leper. I hated the fake, the facade, the…shit.

Oh, and the condescation, the patronizing, the light hugs that left me wanting to gag.

 Well, I left that church eve though I loved that pastor. I’ve been bouncing around, never finding that family feeling (maybe it’s partially my fault, I’ll admit it, it probably is) But I’m tired of all of it. The church I’ve visited this fall is even worse. It’s just about the numbers, how many people can they “save,” how many people have prayed a prayer, the formality…it just chokes me.

But I’m to scared to STOP going to church. That’s why I’m leaving emotionally. I’m not going to try and invest. I’m going to enjoy sitting in that back pew.

I’ll admit that my present situation is probably my fault. i should put myself out there and stay committed to certain things. But I never learned to be committed to a church from my family and anyway, the church doesn’t need me there anyway. I’m just a name in the pew registry (which i don’t even sign anymore) I signed that pew register for YEARS and then I stopped going. Has there been any calls? Has there been any e-mails? Nope.

I hate how the church just ignores the unpopular or the unlovely or the quiet and shy ones. Unless you are buddy buddy with the church leaders you are…pardon the phrase…shit.

 That’s why I’m leaving emotionally. I’m done…i think