Dear Institutional Church,
With great reluctance I have come to leaving you. Of course I left mentally some time ago, but with a sense of duty, obligation, and perseverance, I continued to attend until recently.
I came to faith about ten years ago. Since then, through either work or studies, I have lived on four different continents. In each place I have actively sought out and been involved with a group of believers whenever it was even remotely possible. Having come to faith in my early twenties, I have no strong denominational allegiance. If you love God, follow and serve him as your Lord, and strive to live as called, I would be happy to worship with you.
Early in my faith I fell into a church with amazing leadership, community, discipleship, and love. Of course it wasn’t perfect, but I grew greatly in faith during the years that I lived in europe. Returning to the States was a rude shock. Since being back in the USA, I have lived for an extended period in three communities. In each I sought out a church. Unfortunately I found none of substance. Of course I visited many a pretty building and heard smart, witty, and insightful (as well as stupid, heretical, and wandering) homilies, sang staid hymns as well as insipid ‘Jesus-is-my-boyfriend’ love praise songs. But calling an organization a church does not necessarily make it one.
Wanting friends, acceptance, and fellowship I sought out opportunities to be involved in church life. Aside from child care, ushering, and musical performance, there were few to no options. I’m a guy. I work well with my hands, am good with technology, and love adventure. In short, I don’t fit.
I once went to a mens fellowship / lecture session only to realize that men in this context (as it is in nearly all “church” contexts) was a code word for ‘fathers’ and ‘husbands’. I felt like a ham sandwich at a bar-mitzvah; an unwelcome item at a event that was for males who had come of age. In another episode, I was excited to learn about a weekend bike trip (I can pedal a bike!) for 20s and 30s that was being organized at the church I was attending. Being a guy, I relate best through activities. I read on and realized that it was for couples only. Later, I investigated further - was the focus going to relate to being married? No, the organizers just thought it would be fun for couples to go biking. I bet it was, I would have like to have gone.
After being a part of too many pop-Christian clubs gussied up as evangelical churches, the seeds of doubt were sown. I started thinking about church - why do it and what should take place there? While I am hardly a theologian, I am pretty sure that God likes it when his lowest kin are cared for (Matthew 25) and that religion that God accepts involves some form of looking after widows and orphans in their distress (James 1:27). While I am not some sort of single issue social justice fanatic, these behaviors do seem to be rather important to God. Additionally, having all the members of a church be able to use their God given skills for the benefit of the body of Christ also seemed to rank up there as a big deal in the bible. That being said, I am willing to cut someone much slack if they have love, if no love, then they are nothing but an irritating noise (1 Corinthians 13:1) and I tend to critique their performance, the church’s demographics (invariably just over 60% female), and all their other foibles.
Thinking that perhaps I was reacting in ignorance, I tactfully asked various pastors “If your church disappeared overnight, would anyone miss you? Perhaps someone in the neighborhood?” There was some hemming and hawing, but none said yes. As it is my understanding that some solid believers attend those churches, I think that would be the equivalent of putting a light under a bowl.
In short, put up or shut up. If you are a church, you are full of people changed by God who are following Him in both faith and actions or you are not a church. I have gone to church, experienced some of the best to the worst, and have almost always found it wanting. I was that brother hungry for a meal, hungry for a friend, trying to escape the chains of my past sins, and all I received was a superficial “Hi” and a limp handshake during the compulsory pass-on-the-peace intermission. I embraced your welcome efforts and filled out the visitor card; in return you signed me up for your church spam mailing list. Wow, thanks for the heartfelt welcome!
When Christ gave me a heart to serve others, I went as best I could. Nearly everything that I count as a meaningful Christian experience has taken place outside of the context of church. A roof furnished for orphans, assistance to needy families, Christ modeled to high schoolers (however dimly!), care for the disabled, real fellowship, accountability, and growing in faith. Men like myself need challenges. I have been violently ill, had to negotiate civil unrest, and have put my life on the line while following God. When I turned for help, a few lackluster and unreliable Christians stepped up. Some non-believers stepped up too. They were solid, reliable, and served some of the world’s lowest in a more Christ-like manner than my fellow Christians did. Cognitive dissonance would be an understatement.
Of course it hasn’t been all bad. I once was part of a fantastic church and have meet many other awesome Christ followers over the years. But my desire to attend Sunday morning theatre church has died the death of a thousand cuts. Being ignored by cliques, falling outside of the married with kids and the empty nester demographics, and finding myself to be irrelevant to the needs of the church (no on childcare, ushering, Sunday school, music, and giving large tithes) has destroyed my waning desired to involve myself with the institutional church.
My prayer to all the churches that have spurned and ignored me is that you become a real church. I am a follower of Christ, I came to your church looking for Him. I thought I might find Him there. I know he dwells in some people, but I couldn’t find him, or perhaps it was that you boxed Him in so well in your life that He could not get out to meet me. In Christ we may be family, and while I will strive to love you, I am no longer your friend.
There is no need for semantics, I am not just your neighbor, I am a brother in Christ; love me as yourself.
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Postscript (+12 days)
Following the posting of my leaving letter, I wrote a short note (appended) and emailed it to the 13 churches that were contributory to my letter. The note was brief, directed them to this posting, and welcomed their feedback online.
None responded.
Sure, there was little self-interest for them to take the time to read this posting and write to an annoyed, and potentially crackpot, former member. On the other hand, it seems very unChrist-like to leave your wounded by the side of the road and continue on your journey. Pertinent parables abound: the behavior of pious priest versus that of the good Samaritan and that of the good shepherd leaving the ninety-nine sheep that he knows are safe to search for the one that is lost.
Ultimately, actions carry the day and their actions are a testimony to their abilities, motivations, understanding of God, and their legitimacy as pastors. It is also a reflection of the health of the western implementation of church.
In parting, some words that I suspect are very true today:
A horrible and shocking thing
has happened in the land:
The prophets prophesy lies,
the priests rule by their own authority,
and my people love it this way.
But what will you do in the end?
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Dear Pastor / Church:
I am writing as a former parishioner. While I greatly appreciate your work and the efforts of your congregation, I feel that it would be best for me to write a follow up note since my parting. This in not meant to tear down, but to speak the truth in love. While many secular organizations give a voice to those they have lost, either through employee exit interviews or customer satisfaction surveys, I have yet to see a church corollary. Because I care about your community of believers and your witness in the greater community, I am taking the time to write.
I haven’t discarded my faith, but I have left the institutional church; one of which was yours. My concerns may be read online at http://lettersfromleavers.com/blog/ (Dec. 5th posting). If you aren’t aware of this resource, I find that it is a useful site where people can get a range of honest insights into where institutional churches have fallen short.
In short I have quit “playing church”, so that I can be an integral part of the church. Yet, I feel called to write because your congregation, like many other institutional churches, is a community fixture and it has a strong association with God in many peoples’ minds.
Godspeed,
A Leaver
PS Please feel free to leave any response online at
http://lettersfromleavers.com/blog/2008/12/05/invisible/.
This email account will not be checked for follow up messages.
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I hear “hurt” written all over your letter. It is a sad thing when “churches” fall into this mindset. My sister (single, no children) faces the same thing. Where they use her talents the most is in their Celebrate Recovery program (Christian version of AA) and everyone thinks she has time to spare since she has no “family.” I believe she feels taken advantage of quite a bit. For myself, I took a break from church a few months ago, thinking I would be back eventually. (you can read my letters “Divine Healing” and “xmas”)
As you contemplate your next move, I wish you all peace and joy. Maybe even examine what and why you believe. I have come to acknowledge that God is way bigger than the boxes I have put Him in all my life.
Invisible, I can SO relate to where you are coming from. It’s very sad but true, and if you are unhappy you are apt to be told that it’s your fault. It’s heartbreaking really, but I am so happy to have found a community of online believers who are living loved and are all about the Father and living in His love and grace. It’s not the same as being physically nearby and joining in activities together with those who are on the same page, but they really weren’t on the same page in the “churches”. But I’m learning that you can live loved and share that with anyone you meet. If you are secure in Him you can be anywhere and share that love with others whether they believe or not. There are many, many who are hurting and just need an ear or a hug or a kind word. The thing I am finding is to reach out, not in. Reaching in just stirs up the hurt. Reaching out heals the hurt.
Dear Invisible,
Your post leaves me so disappointed in the organized church today. There is little doubt that man had done his best to mess up what God had intended for good. I do believe that God’s plan for us was to be in a church like environment. You can see all through the Hebrew Scriptures (old Testament) that God assembled the believers (Jews at that time) together. Either at the Temple or at a local synagogue. Now with that said I also believe that He left us in charge and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that we fall very short in being good stewards of the church (body and building). I was so much like you not so long ago, I had been seriously “burned by my church” and wasn’t sure weather or not I would ever go back to a physical church building. My wife and I along with our two children ended up moving across the country from California to North Carolina within two months of our leaving our old church. We started to pray about what God would have us do and if He wanted us in a church then He needed to find it for us. We left is totally in His hands. I was driving down the freeway one day about two months after arriving in North Carolina and heard a Pastor come on the radio. He was talking about doing church in a different way and his ending tag line was “this might just be what you’ve been looking for” he then gave the address. I was about 45 minuets from my house on the freeway and the address he have was at the next exit ahead of me. I took the exit and drove past the church. The building was a converted manufacturing plant that had been converted (totaly green which I thought was cool) and it just felt right. That Sunday I took my family and we have been there for almost two years. One of the things that got me on the first Sunday and made me pay attention was that they did not pass a plate. They had tithe boxes in the back but never pushed you to put anything in. The pastor believes that, that is between you and God. I will say though that because an emphasis is not put on tithing but on your relationship with God my wife and I are for the first time in our lives tithing our full 10% as our first fruits and that is of the net not the gross. Its the first thing we give at the beginning of the month and let me tell you something brother we have been so blessed since we started doing that. In the end Invisible I hope you find what you are looking for what ever that may be. I just hope that it is Him you follow and not your head. People will always fail you (even church leadership) they are flesh and are as weak in their flesh as anyone. Christ will never fail you though.
Take care and may God richly bless you, you are not invisible to Him nor me!
Your brother in Christ,
Ken
burnedbychurch.com
I read the letter and I hated it. Not that he wrote the letter, but that he felt it was necessary to write. So, here is what I would say if he had had a cup of coffee with me. The New Testament was full of letters from Paul to churches that were in trouble. Either they were being selfish, teaching incorrect doctrine, women were bickering, and on and on. The church, the bride of Christ, the church, the body of believers that Christ loves and protects and died for, was imperfect then and still is today. But, we are to be part of that body, as imperfect as it is because He told us to. Here’s the thing…going to church is not about us. It is about joining with other believers, coming together to worship God and bring Him honor and glory. We live in a day when everything is about us, our comfort, our needs being met, our happiness, our dreams. But when you read scripture, it is all about God and HIs honor and His glory, His mercy, His grace, His love and His justice. We are the blessed recipients of His grace and His mercy and His redemption. So…what to do about churches that we feel don’t meet our needs. Here is what I think…since you asked. Find a body of believers where you are certain the Word of God, the Bible, is believed to be the inspired word of God and infallible and inerrant in it’s original form. It is the written source of authority from God and should be the only source of doctrine. Then, make sure that the church teaches from scripture and holds to all of the basic tenants of the Christian faith, the Trinity, Jesus is the son of God and yet God and is the redeemer, the importance of the sacraments of baptism and communion, the Holy Spirit, that one must repent and be born again to be saved from eternal damnation, etc. Then decide what you want the church to look like in it’s servanthood capacity. If it is lacking as the writer of the letter felt it was, then change it! Be the one to start a soup kitchen, be the one to start a ministry for singles, be the one to set up activities that include both marrieds and singles, be the one to make sure the orphans and the widows are cared for, be the one to become a missionary, be the one to start a jail ministry, be the one to start a homeless shelter, be the one to do the things you think the church should do but isn’t. Why in the world do we all think someone else should be the one to do what we all think churches should do? Be the one to start it if you don’t like what is missing. Stop complaining about the church and be Jesus’ hands and feet to the world, to your community, to your family, to the poor and change something–if only one thing–change it if you don’t like it. If you feel like they don’t value your opinions, show them that you know what you are talking about and your thoughts can be respected. You see, maybe people are just too lazy to do anything and they want someone else to set everything up so they can jump in and spend an hour here or an hour there and feel good about themselves and what they did. Again I say, it is not about us and feeling important, or right, or valued! It is about God and honorig Him, not about feeling good. So everything we do and everything we say, should all be to honor Him. So we should selflessly serve one another and let it start with us! You think the church is doing it wrong? Quietly start participating and help to change it into what you believe Christ intended it to be. It will NEVER get better if everyone who sees it flaws walks away and shakes their head at it and says I am not going to go there because I am disappointed in it. Change it for Christ’s sake!