Since I was born my parents were in the full-time ministry and lead a church that we were apart of since I was a baby. When your a preachers kid, theres not a whole lot of choice in the path your life will take. While my parents never verbally said “you have to live the life a christian”, being so immersed in the life of the church and so sheltered from the real world around me dictated the way I would go. I took to the life of a “disciple” as soon as I was old enough to comprehend it. I went to a non-denominational christian church that stressed the inerrancy of the bible, and how every person must give full devotion to its words. The members of the church (and myself) read our bibles daily, came to all church meetings, and spent most of our time with only our friends from church. The relationships I had in the church were deep, meaningful, and brought help to my life as a christian.
I gave myself fully to the work of God. With aspirations to become a minister I read the entire bible numerous times, memorizing scripture. I tried hard to convey to my friends at school who were part of ”the world” thier need for christ and hoped that I would be able to baptize someone who really needed jesus. I gave myself fully to my friends in the church, whom I veiwed as “saved” (like myself), trying to help them grow spiritually and become more like Jesus. I literally cannot remember a time in my life when God was not a factor in my thinking, and whether or not my actions would please him. In my church, which has the beleif that a person is saved and receives the holy spirit at baptism, being baptized was the biggest decision a person could make. A person has to go through a serious of bible studies which teach them the gravity of the decision, and legistics of what it means, before they could be baptized. I made the decision to give my life fully to God at the age of 13. I have two older sisters who made this decision at about the same age as me and lived for God in the same way. Mine was a true decision and out of a good heart, yet so oblivious to the real world and what other directions my life could go.
I lived my life as a disciple of christ vigorously for 4 years until my senior year of high school. My parents had lead this church for my entire life until the summer before my senior year when they were let go. Months later they were divorced in a very nasty situation. My parents being let go caused anger and the divorce caused much questioning about what I had been taught my whole life. Despite all of that, my relationship and dependence on God was something that I tried hard to hold on to and had been dependent on my entire life. Earlier that year I had a friend committ suicide and my sister became depressed and ill. Yet I always felt God was there, and I turned to him to deal with my doubts and depression. After these events something changed in me. Maybe it was being exposed to the bitterness of the real world, questions of why God would let these terrible things happen to my family. My faith struggled for months, I tried to hold on to what I beleived, yet something deep within me was telling me that it wasnt real. I would search and read philosophy, athiesm, agnosticim, and at the same time I looked into every Christian veiw and theory I could find. Hoping to find answers to put my doubts to rest either way. I came to the conclusion that I can find evidence for whatever I want to beleive, and evidence to disprove whatever I don’t want to belief. There is no sure thing, there is no real proof.
I used to pray religiously. Every morning, every night, and throughout the day I would talk to God to find comfort, peace and direction. I remember vividly one night beginning to pray, as I sat there in my bed I started to cry, realizing that I no longer beleived that I was talking to anyone but myself. It was lonely. I cried out to God in tears, apologizing because I no longer could beleive that he was real, or that he had a plan for me, or that there was any direction or control in my life that came from him. God was my everything, my best friend, my father. Coming to terms with the fact that I no longer beleived he was real was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through.
Here I am today, 18 years old, I consider myself agnostic. I beleive that there is a possibility of a higher power, but he is not a God of religion and definately not the God of the bible. I write this letter not to show my contempt for religion. I feel no anger towards it. I think that it is something to give hope and bring a sense of fulfillment in some peoples lives. I have no problem with it, I would not want my friends who are still “disciples” to go through what I have, I would only urge them to do what brings them joy and satisfaction in life. If that is through God for them, then so be it. But I write this letter only to show where am I right now.
I’ve been out of the church and come to terms with my non-beleif in God for about 6 months now. I have been liberated and freed in many ways. Yet overall I feel a sense of emptiness. My life is on the right track I am getting an education and working, yet I still feel like something is missing. I don’t feel like going back to God is the answer, becuase despite these feelings I intellectually do not beleive he exists. Its just I’ve always been so sure of myself, sure of my direction, sure of my friendships for my entire life, and now I embark into the unknown. Its hard because the friends who I grew up with, who I considered my brothers, who would live and die for me, I am no longer able to relate to or be close with becuase the entire basis of our friendship is now gone. I’m veiwed as a fall-away or screw up by the people at this church that have been my family for my entire life. And most people in “the world” that I now spend my time with don’t relate to or understand my past. I think they don’t understand mainly because of the level of devotion that I gave to it, most people havn’t given thier entire lives to something. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong in either one of these places and have been cursed because of my upbringing. Yet one thing I know is that as long as I’m living there will always be a brighter day. My family and I have been through hell and back not only because of religion, but other tragedy as well.Leaving the church/God made me feel as though I was literally starting from scratch, my whole life turned upside down. I now know that I must have the courage to trust in myself, find my own meaning, make my own fate. The world is a cold place, yet we live and we adjust and we adapt. We find meaning in the relationships we have and the experiences we go through with one another, and that is enough. Though today may not be the brightest, we always hope for a better tomorow. Good luck to all of you that may go through similar circumstances. The human experience is beautiful in its own way, you gotta keep trying
10 comments
Feb 17, 2011
newepiphany says:
What a beautiful letter! Hard to believe you are only 18 yrs. old and have already done so much soul-searching, and have had so much courage in your search.
” I have been liberated and freed in many ways. Yet overall I feel a sense of emptiness.”
Yes, you are now free to be a real live human being and to value the human-ness of everyone you come in contact with, rather than fearing getting too close to someone who is not of the right “religion”. You can judge the worth of a relation to that person by whatever criteria you hold as valuable. But, there is an empty feeling to now not having it “all figured out”. An emptiness in not being able to relate to a lot of people who have been very important in your life on the same level you did before the transition you have gone through. That is tough, I know. The people I love most in this world are all tied deeply to their faith, but we don’t share that faith any longer.
You put it so beautifully here: “Its just I’ve always been so sure of myself, sure of my direction, sure of my friendships for my entire life, and now I embark into the unknown. Its hard because the friends who I grew up with, who I considered my brothers, who would live and die for me, I am no longer able to relate to or be close with becuase the entire basis of our friendship is now gone.”
Was that the entire basis of those friendships? Maybe there are some who cared so much for you, that you can bridge this gap, and maybe even a few will listen without judging. Maybe you can share a human relationship of respect and love rather than a “faith thing”. I hope so.
” Yet one thing I know is that as long as I’m living there will always be a brighter day.”
Yes, there will. I KNOW there will be for you, because you are an extraordinary young person.
Feb 21, 2011
ldanix says:
It is really amazing how our experiences can completely move us away from our upbringing. I feel your pain, bro.
I have had a similar experience to yours; however, I came out on the other side. It is not the pain of leaving the faith that kept me in, but the intellectual reasons.
I have wrestled with the philosophical idea of pain and suffering with an all-loving and all-powerful God. In the way that it is reconciled, there is no problem, and it provides much hope for us.
The emotions are powerful and modern psychology has shown that they can and often do overpower reason. Likewise, a conclusion that is driven by emotions can be rationalized via the mind…yet it can be just as false.
We could appeal to emotions by arguing about the source of the emptiness that you feel or argue my testimony vs your testimony, but I’d rather appeal to something more objective; something to engage your mind for now. Both will eventually be engaged, though.
“There is no sure thing, there is no real proof.” I’d like you to see how this actually defeats itself. You are making the sure statement that is there is nothing sure. You also state that there is no real proof…can that be proven?
Also, we need to evaluate if we as humans are actually reliable enough to determine what is a valuable purpose and what is not.
Finally, the reason that our emotions are engaged when discussing pain and suffering is because we somehow know that certain things are intrinsically evil. However, for evil to truly exist, there must be an objective standard that something is compared to before we can call it “evil” and for our emotions to have a valid reason for reacting in the way that they do.
You obviously recognize issues with your new found agnosticism. You will find that some cannot be overcome regardless of how you approach them.
There are many different resources that defend the truth of the Christian faith from philosophical, scientific, historical, and psychological disciplines. My top resources are:
Reasons to Believe (www.reasons.org)
Ravi Zacharias International Ministries (www.rzim.org)
Stand to Reason (www.str.org)
Reasonable Faith (www.reasonablefaith.org)
Gary Habermas (www.garyhabermas.com)
I also have a blog that you can talk with me about things like this:
Faithful Thinkers (lukenixblog.blogspot.com)
I have not written this to be mean or discourage your investigation of the truth, but to aid in your investigation. There is nothing wrong with having doubts or feeling pain. That is all part of being human. When you work through those, and still remain consistent throughout your worldview, you will be stronger. You may even regain the passion that you once possessed, but this time, you’ll have a reason to maintain it when life takes a sharp turn.
Feb 21, 2011
soultosqeeze says:
@idanix- I understand that each persons experience is different and while mine has led me to leave the faith yours have led you to stay. Honestly I have been reading christian apologetic literature since I was a boy. I have no intention of getting in a theological argument with you as I’m sure that websites you have listed contain very convincing arguments. When I say there is no real proof, I mean that there is no argument that can seriously outwiegh another. For every christian apologetic website you give me there are the same amount of agnostic/atheistic websites that give arguments of the same potency. For every christian apologetic book I have in my house(which is many) I could find even more agnostic/athiestic books, or a book for any other religion saying why that certain one is the true way. All im saying is you can find proof for whatever you want to beleive, and arguments to discredit what you don’t want to beleive. ITs really just a mass confusion. Thats what i’m saying by there is no real proof, there is no sure evidence either way. When my experiences happened to me I stepped out of the sheltered, “christian way or the highway” environment I had been raised in because of my family and church. I don’t feel remorse for it becuase I know I am looking at it from an objective, 3rd person point of veiw to the best of my ability. If it were so easy to beleive trust me I would, those were some of the most comfortable carefree times of my life, becuase i had all the answers. Sometimes you have to realize you really just dont have the answers
Feb 22, 2011
ldanix says:
@soultosqueeze
It sounds like you might be searching for 100% certainty to believe in something, yet less than 100% certainty to NOT believe in something.
I am curious to know which arguments against the Christian faith you find compelling enough to be certain that Christianity is not true.
“All im saying is you can find proof for whatever you want to beleive, and arguments to discredit what you don’t want to beleive.”
This is called rationalization and also “a priori” thought. We come to a conclusion, then search for evidence to support it.
We have to be very careful about letting our experiences guide our beliefs. Yes, our beliefs must make sense of our experiences, but not the other way around…that is more of a subjective way of coming to a belief than an objective way.
Also, keep in mind that not all beliefs are equally true. Epistemology has no bearing on ontology. Just because we can find arguments that convince us that something is true, does not mean that it IS true.
Finally, a worldview is subject to itself. If one is skeptical of other worldviews, they must also be skeptical of their skepticism.
Regarding the balance of resources…I provided those for you to use to investigate. I am well aware of the amount of literature that is available for all sides of the debate. However, once again, that does not mean that they are co-equal in their ontological relationship to reality.
Feb 22, 2011
tim says:
@soultosqueeze
Thank you for sharing your story. Like newepiphany, I am also impressed with the level of introspection and self-awareness you have at your young age.
I am also very saddened to hear of your parents divorce.
The only thing I would suggest to you is related to the following statement in your last reply:
“If it were so easy to beleive trust me I would, those were some of the most comfortable carefree times of my life, becuase i had all the answers. Sometimes you have to realize you really just dont have the answers.”
I think we need to do away with the idea that “doubting Christian” is an oxymoron. Being a Christian does not equate with having all the answers.
When you describe in your letter the time you cried during prayer because you didn’t believe in God anymore, I couldn’t help but think what a heart-breakingly beautiful prayer that must have been; so much honesty, so much transparency. God spends all day listening to detached prayers from people going through the motions, and then you come along with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength and cry out that you don’t believe in God anymore. The book of Psalms, for example, is filled with prayers of just this type. People of God have been losing their faith for centuries.
But I believe Christianity is so much more than our faith in God. It is about God’s faith in us. God has very broad shoulders, and is able to carry our doubts. He is able to listen to Job hurl insults at him, and stand humbly as he is seized by guards who have been sent by his friend Judas; another victim of “lost faith” that God instead uses for the ultimate defeat of death itself.
Mar 23, 2011
isabel says:
I see so much of myself in your letter. I have walked a mile in your shoes. I truly believe that what man has meant for evil God will turn around for our good. At know at this point in your life you don’t believe and that is ok. You have something now that you haven’t had before and that’s your life being your own. You said in your letter that you felt free, so did I when I was let do. I believe there is a freedom that we all must have in this life and that is the freedom to be our own. When I was in church I felt like I was relying on other people’s experiences to get me through but I never really had my own. Problem with some churches is that they forget where they came from. Most people in charge such as pastors, deacons, leaders, and what other fancy titles get thrown around have lived and for whatever reason they think that no one else should have that experience so they try to raise us in a cocoon. Problem with that is we grow up and face real world problems. I still have my belief in God. Life is difficult and sometimes a down right nightmare. God never promised this life would be easy but he promised that he would see us through. we will always go through things and have hard ships after all his son was nailed to the cross. This world (including so called churches) has it’s way of nailing us to our own individual crosses daily and we often want to give up. I feel that we are living life now more than ever And I believe that it is how God intends it. For us to live life real and raw with all the ups, downs, highs, and lows. Anyway I think that you are in a perfect place to realize how real God is . Hope you find this helpful. Please excuse any typos cause I’m typing this on my phone. Also sorry if I skip around when trying to get my point across
May 31, 2011
yavet43 says:
Wow! I do feel you. I have a similar story, I sometimes have thoughts of “is this real?” Church is so fake to me, and I have left it altogether for good. Every time I expressed my thoughts about doctrines that were not pleasing to the Lord, I hear the famous excuse, “there is no perfect church.” I have no plans to return. However, somewhere inside I still believe God does exist, and I still talk to him. I find great comfort and peace being in nature.I also do a lot of photography/art and design for fun.I no longer wish for friends because no one seems to understand me.
Jun 28, 2011
Brittinafrica says:
@soultosqueeze and everyone who commented.
Firstly, let me say that I am also amazed at the depth of your convictions and thoughts. wow. Also, I am 44 years old and and can relate to everything you have been through – almost every detail in fact – though at a much later stage of my life.
I got “born again” in 1994 at the age of 28 and left the church 12 years later after having dedicated my whole life – and unfortunately my finances – to the church, believing that being a missionary was the path GOD had chosen for me.
Like you I don’t think the church is necessarily a wrong thing, it works for many people and I can respect anyone for finding their place in that community. For that’s what it is to me today. A community which is built on faith, just like other communities are built on other things. it works for some and not for others.
Like you I have studied Christian Apologetics through books, institutes and courses. I was completely and utterly fascinated by the idea that a one truth worldview exists, explaining EVERYTHING about life, death, why we are here, where we come from and where we are going. How comforting this was, how exciting and how easy to follow for some years.
But then it didn’t add up anymore, not because of one specific incident but because of daily experiences in my christian life.
Everything was always subject to analysis according to Gods word. Everything and EVERYONE was questioned according to a standard that was simply impossible to keep up with. I got exhausted, burned out and depressed and the more sick I got the more God disappeared. And that REALLY didn’t make sense at all. Why would he? to test me? what for? is that the love of a father? perfect love? I just discovered step by step that there was no such thing as a perfect fathers (Gods) love. And so I had to make the decision to step away from the people who reinforced that “truth” on a daily basis. I stopped holding on to the faith and stopped being desperate for Gods love. And I stepped out. there had to be more than this miserable existence I was leading.
Like you I have experienced the loneliness of loosing all my brothers and sisters and friends I have built close relationships over the years. Others have also left, but no one seems to also have questioned the existence of the biblical God. Today I believe he is a human construct. But there are those moments when I am looking at the marvel of creation and think: WOW! this is just so beautiful and cant help thanking God for it.
@YAvet, I also completely understand what you are saying, coz I have also learned that as soon as we doubt and raise questions our fellow Christians come up with either some great people who asked these questions and successfully answered them, try to lead us to good books, websites or whatever.. or they become distant and scared, which is understandable, because EVERY Christian doubts and goes through struggles and it is the scariest thing on earth to actually admit that what is written and what you have been taught doesn’t actually match what you are really experiencing AT ALL!
Everyone prays for the healing of this little girl. if she is being healed, praise God, if not, it was not his will for her to be healed and she is better off in heaven now. Oh please! now that does make me angry as well as the belief that Christians are the chosen ones and everyone else lost. its just too much believing I have to spend eternity with a selected few, most of which I actually dont like anyway and that all these beautiful people out there who contribute to the welfare of mankind in so many beautiful ways (much more than me and most of the Christian people I know) are lost. Doesnt make sense. sorry.
Don’t give up on wishing for friends, there are plenty people out there who feel like you do! We have been making friends on the basis of faith and when that is gone, nothing is left. That alone shows that something is seriously wrong with this worldview /community.
We are told the church is our family. well, it is not. My mom, an unbeliever still loves me today and has not stopped calling me or taking an interest in my life even through my most fanatic church times – although she didn’t understand what I was all about. She loves me despite myself AND for who I am. That’s love.
I have not – and I am not kidding – even one church family member left who even called me to ask how I am or ask me for a cup of coffee just to show that I still matter. I had plenty invitations to functions, concerts etc,got a few letters of concern because someone saw a buddha figure on one of my pictures.. anything connected to getting me back in, but no one has just reached out to me and showed me that they care about ME no matter where I find myself.
I did not even leave making a big noise, I quietly and gradually made decisions to withdraw, first from ministry of course (I was involved in youth and student ministries) then cell group and then Sunday services. But all I got was attempts to bring me back and when that didn’t bear fruit, I was left to myself.
I think that’s what hurts me a lot still. You’re either in or – if you don’t comply, you’re out. Unconditional love????? I have not experienced that in the church. Honestly. there is only one condition to that love. that you love God. If you don’t anymore love is withdrawn…
My boyfriend whom I live with for the past 4 years knows more bout loving me unconditionally than anyone I had met in those 12 years. In fact he teaches me about this kind of love I thought I had found and now realise I have never received or given, really.
Jun 28, 2011
Brittinafrica says:
@soultosqueeze
you wrote “I don’t feel remorse for it becuase I know I am looking at it from an objective, 3rd person point of veiw to the best of my ability. If it were so easy to beleive trust me I would, those were some of the most comfortable carefree times of my life, becuase i had all the answers. Sometimes you have to realize you really just dont have the answers?’
I find an enormous relief in the fact that there actually isn’t an answer for everything! I believe many Christians question themselves into depression and despair, because if we are honest, it really doesn’t make sense most of the time…
Dec 30, 2011
gnilrets says:
I enjoyed reading your story. I offer no advice at all, just that I read your story and related to it enough to comment. I wrote my story too. It all comes back to our needs as we see them. Either being involved in a church meets our needs or it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, we leave. If it does, we stay. I came to realize one day that it wasn’t working for me anymore, so I left and sought to meet my needs in other ways. I hope you find what works for you. As insightful as you’ve shown yourself to be, I know you will.