Letters From Leavers

UPDATE: Please read my title, and understand that it is absolute truth before commenting. 

I struggled with my faith for a long time. Slowly I came to realize that I would be struggling with it for the rest of my life. I have seen too much, known too many non-Christians, loved too many non-Christians, etc. I realized that I would never be able to accept that my Muslim friend would go to hell because she was born in Pakistan, and Pakistani’s are Muslim. And I refused to believe that the opposite was true of everyone I loved in Texas, because Texans are raised Christian. I wanted so much to believe in a loving God, and I didn’t feel that God loved everyone equal if he made it harder for one person to accept him in the right way, and easy for another. I felt that He couldn’t fit into a box like that, I have come to think that absolutes and a sense of finality are human characteristics I don’t think God has, or at least, I hope He doesn’t have. So I was forced at that point to not believe in the infallibility of the Bible, but I couldn’t believe in the Koran, I couldn’t believe in re-incarnation of the Buddhists, I couldn’t believe in the healing power of a Ganges River bath, or even Hanukkah. But at the same time, I didn’t feel that I was so knowledgeable that I could deny any of the above. I was in limbo. Let me tell you, limbo is a very scary place to be spiritually. I was there for a while. I suppose on some level, I’m still there.

The difference is that now I’m comfortable with my lack of faith. I’m agnostic. I’m not atheistic. In fact I’m what is known as an “agnostic theist” (sounds like a contradiction in terms, doesn’t it?). Agnostic just means that I do not KNOW there is a God, and I don’t know if I ever will KNOW there is a God. And an agnostic theist is a person who doesn’t know if there is a God, but hopes that there is a God, and hopes that one day if He is there, He will speak to me clearly.

I have actually prayed to God, even though I’m not sure He is there. I told Him that if He’s out there, then He made me. He made me curious about the world, ready to know different cultures, and He knows what happened to me inside when my idea of the Church came crashing down on top of me. He knows that I have truly forgiven the people who did that, but He also knows that it started me down this path, and He knew that I would go down it. If He exists, He knows what mental anguish I went through to get where I am today.

I don’t say I’m agnostic because I’m too lazy to figure it out. He created my mind, a mind that would constantly question things that are presented as fact. If He is there, He can’t be angry at me. He made me. I have asked for Him to be patient with me, and see my heart. I hope that He is there, and I feel at peace with my decision.

I don’t say I’m agnostic because I’m angry at God; that would mean I believe in Him. I’m not angry at Him. How could I be angry with someone I don’t even know exists? And if He exists, He is doing all this for a reason, so I can’t be angry at Him, even if I find that one day I believe in Him. My decision to be agnostic was a personal journey that took me down a long (and ironically, narrow) road. It has led to this.

The truth is I envy those that truly believe. I don’t think I’ll ever be one of them. But I have come to peace with this decision. In some ways, I feel the decision wasn’t even mine, as if the things that happened to me were destined to happen, and I was destined to make the decision to be agnostic. I like to hope that the decision was made by God, in some ways. This way I am still part of something bigger than me, and I can still help, even if my faith is absent.

My ability to be a peace with out knowing for sure is not something most people can do. I know this. In truth, I would never wish agnosticism on anyone. It is a constant limbo, and makes everyone I meet uncomfortable: Christians, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, Buddhists, Jews, etc. I hope others can have abundant faith, but I am very happy in my life, and find joy in the tangible things.