Dear Institutional Church,
With great reluctance I have come to leaving you. Of course I left mentally some time ago, but with a sense of duty, obligation, and perseverance, I continued to attend until recently.
I came to faith about ten years ago. Since then, through either work or studies, I have lived on four different continents. In each place I have actively sought out and been involved with a group of believers whenever it was even remotely possible. Having come to faith in my early twenties, I have no strong denominational allegiance. If you love God, follow and serve him as your Lord, and strive to live as called, I would be happy to worship with you.
Early in my faith I fell into a church with amazing leadership, community, discipleship, and love. Of course it wasn’t perfect, but I grew greatly in faith during the years that I lived in europe. Returning to the States was a rude shock. Since being back in the USA, I have lived for an extended period in three communities. In each I sought out a church. Unfortunately I found none of substance. Of course I visited many a pretty building and heard smart, witty, and insightful (as well as stupid, heretical, and wandering) homilies, sang staid hymns as well as insipid ‘Jesus-is-my-boyfriend’ love praise songs. But calling an organization a church does not necessarily make it one.
Wanting friends, acceptance, and fellowship I sought out opportunities to be involved in church life. Aside from child care, ushering, and musical performance, there were few to no options. I’m a guy. I work well with my hands, am good with technology, and love adventure. In short, I don’t fit.
I once went to a mens fellowship / lecture session only to realize that men in this context (as it is in nearly all “church” contexts) was a code word for ‘fathers’ and ‘husbands’. I felt like a ham sandwich at a bar-mitzvah; an unwelcome item at a event that was for males who had come of age. In another episode, I was excited to learn about a weekend bike trip (I can pedal a bike!) for 20s and 30s that was being organized at the church I was attending. Being a guy, I relate best through activities. I read on and realized that it was for couples only. Later, I investigated further - was the focus going to relate to being married? No, the organizers just thought it would be fun for couples to go biking. I bet it was, I would have like to have gone.
After being a part of too many pop-Christian clubs gussied up as evangelical churches, the seeds of doubt were sown. I started thinking about church - why do it and what should take place there? While I am hardly a theologian, I am pretty sure that God likes it when his lowest kin are cared for (Matthew 25) and that religion that God accepts involves some form of looking after widows and orphans in their distress (James 1:27). While I am not some sort of single issue social justice fanatic, these behaviors do seem to be rather important to God. Additionally, having all the members of a church be able to use their God given skills for the benefit of the body of Christ also seemed to rank up there as a big deal in the bible. That being said, I am willing to cut someone much slack if they have love, if no love, then they are nothing but an irritating noise (1 Corinthians 13:1) and I tend to critique their performance, the church’s demographics (invariably just over 60% female), and all their other foibles.
Thinking that perhaps I was reacting in ignorance, I tactfully asked various pastors “If your church disappeared overnight, would anyone miss you? Perhaps someone in the neighborhood?” There was some hemming and hawing, but none said yes. As it is my understanding that some solid believers attend those churches, I think that would be the equivalent of putting a light under a bowl.
In short, put up or shut up. If you are a church, you are full of people changed by God who are following Him in both faith and actions or you are not a church. I have gone to church, experienced some of the best to the worst, and have almost always found it wanting. I was that brother hungry for a meal, hungry for a friend, trying to escape the chains of my past sins, and all I received was a superficial “Hi” and a limp handshake during the compulsory pass-on-the-peace intermission. I embraced your welcome efforts and filled out the visitor card; in return you signed me up for your church spam mailing list. Wow, thanks for the heartfelt welcome!
When Christ gave me a heart to serve others, I went as best I could. Nearly everything that I count as a meaningful Christian experience has taken place outside of the context of church. A roof furnished for orphans, assistance to needy families, Christ modeled to high schoolers (however dimly!), care for the disabled, real fellowship, accountability, and growing in faith. Men like myself need challenges. I have been violently ill, had to negotiate civil unrest, and have put my life on the line while following God. When I turned for help, a few lackluster and unreliable Christians stepped up. Some non-believers stepped up too. They were solid, reliable, and served some of the world’s lowest in a more Christ-like manner than my fellow Christians did. Cognitive dissonance would be an understatement.
Of course it hasn’t been all bad. I once was part of a fantastic church and have meet many other awesome Christ followers over the years. But my desire to attend Sunday morning theatre church has died the death of a thousand cuts. Being ignored by cliques, falling outside of the married with kids and the empty nester demographics, and finding myself to be irrelevant to the needs of the church (no on childcare, ushering, Sunday school, music, and giving large tithes) has destroyed my waning desired to involve myself with the institutional church.
My prayer to all the churches that have spurned and ignored me is that you become a real church. I am a follower of Christ, I came to your church looking for Him. I thought I might find Him there. I know he dwells in some people, but I couldn’t find him, or perhaps it was that you boxed Him in so well in your life that He could not get out to meet me. In Christ we may be family, and while I will strive to love you, I am no longer your friend.
There is no need for semantics, I am not just your neighbor, I am a brother in Christ; love me as yourself.
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Postscript (+12 days)
Following the posting of my leaving letter, I wrote a short note (appended) and emailed it to the 13 churches that were contributory to my letter. The note was brief, directed them to this posting, and welcomed their feedback online.
None responded.
Sure, there was little self-interest for them to take the time to read this posting and write to an annoyed, and potentially crackpot, former member. On the other hand, it seems very unChrist-like to leave your wounded by the side of the road and continue on your journey. Pertinent parables abound: the behavior of pious priest versus that of the good Samaritan and that of the good shepherd leaving the ninety-nine sheep that he knows are safe to search for the one that is lost.
Ultimately, actions carry the day and their actions are a testimony to their abilities, motivations, understanding of God, and their legitimacy as pastors. It is also a reflection of the health of the western implementation of church.
In parting, some words that I suspect are very true today:
A horrible and shocking thing
has happened in the land:
The prophets prophesy lies,
the priests rule by their own authority,
and my people love it this way.
But what will you do in the end?
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Dear Pastor / Church:
I am writing as a former parishioner. While I greatly appreciate your work and the efforts of your congregation, I feel that it would be best for me to write a follow up note since my parting. This in not meant to tear down, but to speak the truth in love. While many secular organizations give a voice to those they have lost, either through employee exit interviews or customer satisfaction surveys, I have yet to see a church corollary. Because I care about your community of believers and your witness in the greater community, I am taking the time to write.
I haven’t discarded my faith, but I have left the institutional church; one of which was yours. My concerns may be read online at http://lettersfromleavers.com/blog/ (Dec. 5th posting). If you aren’t aware of this resource, I find that it is a useful site where people can get a range of honest insights into where institutional churches have fallen short.
In short I have quit “playing church”, so that I can be an integral part of the church. Yet, I feel called to write because your congregation, like many other institutional churches, is a community fixture and it has a strong association with God in many peoples’ minds.
Godspeed,
A Leaver
PS Please feel free to leave any response online at
http://lettersfromleavers.com/blog/2008/12/05/invisible/.
This email account will not be checked for follow up messages.
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