Letters From Leavers

I have been pondering for days what to say in this letter. It would be so easy to be angry, bitter, selfish or preachy. Believe me, I have written one version of this letter for each of those attitudes. However, I love the church – or at least the people who comprise it. I can no longer be bitter towards the church; if only because God has extended such radical love, grace and patience to me in my process of leaving the church walls.

I want to avoid making negative generalizations; for I know there is little bad I can say that is entirely true of every church or every Christian. I want to convey my heart, but I fear sounding exactly like every other church-leaver; making all the same excuses, expressing frustration with all the same things.

However, I cannot deny that for me, church is broken.

I was born into the arms of the church; I am at least a fourth generation Christian. The church and I have laughed together and cried together. We have whispered secrets, sang, danced, shouted, prayed…and yet somehow I always felt something was missing from our relationship. Yes, I have tried many different brands of church. They were all different; and I loved each and every one for it’s good qualities – yet I never found exactly what I was looking for. Each seemed to know exactly who they believed God to be, exactly how He works, and exactly who He chooses as His own. For some reason, my relationship with Jesus has never worked like that.

I have journeyed far and wide looking for a place that really embodies the Jesus I know. In that process, I have learned many interesting things:

· I have learned about how the Character of God never changes; yet it is new every morning.
· I have learned about God’s goodness, and conversely, His wrath.
· I have learned the Bible inside and out because it’s my only weapon against the ‘enemy’. I have learned about the ministry of the Holy Spirit because He is my greatest weapon against the ‘enemy’.
· I have learned that communion should only be taken with wine; I learned that communion should never be taken with wine, only with grape juice.
· I have heard “love the sinner, hate the sin”. In church circles, I have heard whispers behind the backs of alcoholics and adulterers.
· I learned that babies should be baptized by sprinkling, so I was. I learned that we must be baptized by immersion at the age of accountability, so I was. I learned that I must be baptized again to receive the Holy Spirit. So I was.
· I learned to pray liturgically, and in tongues.
· I learned that one could only meet God in a church building; I also learned that I could meet Him in my living room.
· I learned that God only spoke through the text of the Bible and yet He also speaks directly and audibly to me.
· I learned to sing hundreds of hymns by memory. I also learned to sing hundreds of Contemporary Christian Hits by memory.
· I learned to kneel when I pray; I learned to stand with my hands in the air when I pray.
· I learned that God’s grace covers every transgression and we should not judge each other; and yet I learned to disguise gossip as “prayer requests”.
· I learned that only men may preach; and yet I learned that women may preach when properly ‘covered’. I even learned that women can actually be ordained in some traditions.

One God. So many contradictions. Isn’t it strange how God can be all these things; all at the same time? Therein lies the problem. The church likes to pick and choose beliefs and practices, and then set them down in cement as “doctrine”. I like to believe God doesn’t have to be limited to one methodology.

The church is like a box; God is like wind. Containing Him might be just a little tough. Unfortunately, most every church I have been to seems to believe they have contained God. Sometimes they even believe that anyone whose container doesn’t look like theirs is condemned.

I have yet to find any one church that allows the freedom my faith needs to breathe. In order to know God, I need to be able say I don’t really know all that much about Him at all; I need to be able to ask questions. I need to be allowed to see the many variations of God that exist; and that God exists in all people, no matter who they are. I likewise need to not be required to see God through any one person’s perspective, as if anyone has a completely clear representation of God. I would like a place where people are free to creatively know God, but a place that still believes Jesus is the only real Way.

Maybe I’m just unsuited for such subscriptions to doctrines and dogmas as church requires. Maybe in some people’s eyes, that might mean I’m not really a Christian. I do know that I love Jesus, and I try to live by His examples of love, gentleness and grace as much as I am able – which often isn’t great; but I thoroughly trust in His forgiveness for the shortcomings of my humanity. Beyond that, I don’t claim to know much, and that’s OK with me.

One day, I’m sure I’ll return. Maybe in some ways I never really left.